——Disgusting.
"Oh,
——Disgusting, disgusting.
"
——Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.
"
——Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.
Smiling away, goofing off like a class clown, his tongue running at full speed as though he'd been doused in oil. He threw himself into every assigned task with everything he had, charged headlong into challenges without fear of failure, and the moment his hands were free, he wandered off in search of the next event to participate in.
He mobilized every scrap of memory, dredging up the four days he'd repeated until they were branded into his mind, carving himself into every conceivable event—no matter how trivial—whenever the opportunity arose.
It had to be this way. It had to be this way.
Not a single second could be wasted. He had to examine every possible outcome, simulate every potential success and failure of every necessary event.
Think of it like a game. Thorough flag management. He was supposed to be good at this. Every meeting increased the possibilities.
He should have been able to smile better. He should have been able to make others laugh better.
Act as though his mind were empty, but never—never stop thinking.
Meaningless, pointless, over-the-top actions. Make them think he was a harmless fool not worth guarding against. But avoid being dismissed as so useless it wasn't even worth keeping him around.
Contradictory thoughts and conclusions. Rather than agonizing over the contradictions, act before thinking. But before moving, ask yourself the purpose of that action.
Constantly check that nothing looked unnatural. He couldn't let his guard down for even an instant, not for a fraction of a second. Failure was not an option. It was not an option, so— ——Not an option, not an option, not an option, not an option.
Again and again, the alarm bells in his head kept ringing.
A danger alert. He'd made no progress to speak of since coming to this other world, but he was proud that at least this one sense had grown sharper.
Danger was closing in. A mistake was about to be corrected. He didn't know from where. Keep your guard up lightly, keep your steps nimble, stay on your toes.
"Oh—hey, Ram-chi, I wasn't slacking off, was I? I'm finishing every job nice and proper, you know. The senior staff could lean back and just chill in their room taking siestas and it'd be totally fine, y'know?"
Dodge, dodge—with frivolity and a superficial smile, he deflected the situation.
Was he doing well? Was he being
Be natural. Be the genuine Natsuki Subaru.
It was simple. It was his own story. Go back to being the lazy pig who lived in the mansion, completely oblivious to what was going on in the hearts of those around him, mindlessly and shamelessly enjoying everything that was handed to him.
Knowing nothing. Understanding nothing. Noticing nothing. Doing nothing. He was supposed to be good at it. It was the only thing he'd ever been able to do. It should have been easy. He should have been able to do it while laughing.
Walking along with a dopey grin plastered on his face like a mask.
He was inside the mansion. He could run into anyone, anywhere, at any time. There was no such thing as free time during one's free time. Every empty moment had to be spent recalling the past and planning his next move.
"Oh, ugh, urgh……"
Suddenly, a wave of nausea surged up. Only a groan escaped from the corner of his mouth, but Subaru did not let his smile falter.
His feet still kept skipping along, dancing and gliding toward a nearby guest room. Then, heading to the washroom— "……ghfah. Ugh, oh……ghh"
He vomited the contents of his already-empty stomach straight into the drain.
Anything he ate or drank was being expelled almost the moment it entered his body. All that came up was yellowish stomach bile, wrung dry from organs that were being tormented by the effort.
Yet to satisfy the still-unrelenting nausea, he gulped down water from the sink to fill his stomach, then immediately threw it all up. Again and again, he flushed out his stomach as though washing it clean.
"Haah……haah, haah……"
He wiped his mouth roughly with his sleeve and drew ragged breaths with a pale face.
The crushing pressure was enough to kill on its own. If these sleepless hours continued like this, he was fairly certain the exhaustion alone would be the death of him.
He mocked himself for the absurdity of his situation, but not even a single dry laugh would come.
All that welled up inside him was the unending anxiety and despair rising from the depths of his chest.
——Was he doing this right?
Looking back, his relationship with the people in the mansion had been at its best during that very first loop, when he'd known nothing.
Then should he follow the same pattern as the first time, retracing those same circumstances?
No—doing that would be nothing but a repeat of the second loop. In the second case, he'd mimicked the first loop's approach, and on top of that, Ram's iron-fisted judgment had been piled onto Rem's curse of weakness. That was simply walking the wrong path again.
If the third and fourth times were ruled out, then the model he should learn from was the first. Not copying it exactly, but aiming to do better than he had that first time—changing his approach from the second loop.
In the first loop, he'd been terrible at every task, but he'd thrown himself into the work he was given head-on. The second time, he'd tried to replicate the first loop's results too closely, and being seen through, he'd been judged as slacking off.
Then this time, he would give it everything—just as he had the first time—but produce even better results than before.
If he did that, surely Ram and Rem wouldn't write him off. As long as he avoided the route where they purged him, one of Subaru's biggest worries would be eliminated.
But the problem was, "Still have zero leads on where the curse user might be."
Since Rem had been killed, the culprit had to be an outsider.
Someone targeting the mansion—if they were connected to the royal selection, then Subaru, who was unfamiliar with those relationships, was at a complete dead end.
To uncover the identity of the curse user, the cooperation of those connected to the mansion was absolutely essential.
At the very least, raising the alarm wouldn't be a waste of effort. But then again, just how much sway did the current Subaru even have in this mansion?
"Nobody's going to listen to suggestions from someone who hasn't even earned their trust……?"
On top of that, Subaru was constrained by the fact that he couldn't reveal his source of information.
So he endured the frustration and the detours, bearing the suffocating tightness that felt like a hole being bored through his stomach, as the time dragged on.
There wasn't enough time. The lack of time was maddening. He wasn't sure he could endure any more of this painful time. He wanted it to end quickly. But it couldn't end. His words weren't getting through. Getting them through would take time. There was no time. He had to do something. He felt sick, it was suffocating.
His thoughts circled back again and again into the same dead-end spiral.
Last night, too, he'd been swallowed by this answerless spiral, unable to sleep a single wink. Helplessly groping for a way to shake off an anxiety whose cause was perfectly clear, with no solution in sight.
Honestly, if he could just choose the option of screaming "Danger!" at the top of his lungs over and over—even if everyone thought Subaru had gone crazy—as long as it saved every life in the mansion, it wouldn't be a bad gamble.
If countermeasures were taken in advance and everyone in the mansion safely reached the fifth day, and the curse user withdrew as the situation worsened, that would be a happy ending.
——But he couldn't bear the idea of not being there.
He wasn't so enlightened, nor so saintly, that he could honestly say, "As long as they're all safe, that's all that matters."
What Subaru wanted was for everyone in the mansion to survive, and for the fifth day to be passed peacefully with things on good terms.
He had no spirit of self-sacrifice to speak of.
He was greedy, indulgent, stubborn, and thoroughly base.
And so— "Ah, shit……how uncool."
After all that resolve, after choosing death for himself—now, with the chance right in front of him, he couldn't stop himself from flinching.
Once you picked your life back up, you cherished it. If something you thought you'd lost returned to your hands, you wouldn't so easily let go of it again.
Subaru was no different.
A life that should have been discarded. A life that should have been over.
He'd won the gamble and come back—but now that he realized it was in his hands once more, what struck him was the terror of losing it again.
Failure was not an option. There were no more chances.
This was the fifth time. And Subaru was not the kind of person who could optimistically believe that "Return by Death" would still work next time.
This time, he'd been able to come back. Next time, he might not. The mental wear and tear of always being conscious that this might be the last time, that he was standing on the very edge—the more sane you were, the more it crushed you.
He hadn't gone so far off the rails as to rush into self-destruction, but he also didn't have the courage to stake everything he had on a single act of defiance.
Mediocre to the end. Ordinary to the bitter end.
He was made painfully aware of just how small a creature he was—so painfully that he hated himself for it.
"Like I've got time to be whining, you piece of shit……"
If he had time to let even one word of complaint slip, it was far more important to crack a joke and earn some goodwill.
Before he knew it, the nausea had faded. Subaru slapped his stiff cheeks to spur himself on, then headed out of the guest room.
Right now, he'd finished his assigned tasks and had free time, but even that was precious. He needed to find Ram or Rem as quickly as possible—and— "There you are."
The moment he leaned out through the doorway, a voice called out to him.
He turned around, and there stood Emilia, catching her breath.
The instant his eyes took in her silver hair swaying in the breeze, Subaru's consciousness flipped a switch.
Situation mode: activate. Stomach pain, chest tightness, the suffocating pressure—all of it forgotten. Right now, he needed to face Emilia with a lecherous grin stretched across his cheeks.
"Well, well, well—Emilia-tan summoning me personally? I'm flattered! Say the word, give me any order! For you, I'd wade through fire, water, or the pitch darkness of a stolen-goods vault!"
He pointed a finger at the sky and swayed his hips, posing in rhythm.
He marveled at his own ability to switch personas on a dime. But Emilia's reaction to his performance was nothing like what he'd expected.
He'd braced himself for a look of exasperation. Or at least a sigh.
"Subaru……"
"Hey, hey, hey, hey—not cool, Emilia-tan! You're seriously going to ignore the masterpiece I stayed up all night cooking up? Once I've used a bit, it loses its freshness and can't be used again! Do you have any idea how it feels to have your brainchild murdered like that?!"
He clutched his sleeve, miming tears and frustration. But even this drew only a muted reaction from Emilia.
Emilia defied every one of Subaru's predictions. She didn't look exasperated, she didn't look angry—she simply gazed at him with eyes that mixed sorrow and heartache.
——This is bad. Instinctive alarm bells screamed.
"Emilia-tan, what's with the silent treatment? When someone as beautiful as you goes quiet like that, I might mistake you for a work of art, carry you home, and put you in the corner of my room so I can kiss you good morning and goodnight every single day, y'know?!"
Something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong, his own voice screamed inside his skull.
A reaction none of his predictions had accounted for. Neither exasperation nor anger—it was entirely outside the script. If she'd gotten angry, at least he could have adapted. But those eyes filled with heartache meant—— That his clumsy clown mask had been seen right through.
The instant that anxiety pierced him, Subaru remembered the presence of the grey cat that was always by her side.
Recalling the nature of that self-proclaimed spirit, he could well imagine how meaningless everything he'd done thus far had been.
The sheer foolishness of trying to put on a surface-level act in front of a being that could read minds.
The moment he realized that, Subaru's bravado crumbled.
The smile he'd plastered on vanished without a trace. In its place rose the meek, pitiful expression of a child waiting to be scolded.
The embarrassment of having kept dancing while knowing she could see through it all. And above all, the small pride that he hadn't wanted her—of all people—to know the truth was deeply, deeply wounded.
A silence fell between them.
Subaru no longer had room for jokes, and Emilia—Emilia herself—searched for words as she watched his face.
——To be disillusioned with him by Emilia. That was the one thing he couldn't bear.
But he didn't even know what to say that might serve as an excuse. The inability to break through this situation was the same here as everywhere else.
He tried to open his mouth several times, but the right words wouldn't come and he couldn't bring himself to speak. Watching Subaru struggle with that frustration, Emilia suddenly murmured a small "Alright."
"Subaru, sit down."
"……Huh?"
"Just do it."
She grabbed his arm with a firm tug, and what she headed toward was the very guest room he'd just stepped out of.
Half-dragged back into the room he'd only half-exited, Subaru's face filled with question marks, unable to grasp her intent.
But Emilia paid no attention to his confusion. Placing her hands on her hips, she surveyed the room, then: "Now sit, Subaru."
She pointed at the floor and spoke in that unchanged, bell-clear voice.
He followed her finger and looked down. The floor was covered with carpet. It was an unused room, but it had been cleaned thoroughly. Of course, given the effort they put in, he could have sprawled on the bare ground and been fine.
"If I'm gonna sit, why not the bed or a chair? Why go out of your way to sit on the——"
"Just sit down!"
Her tone was sharper than he'd ever heard. Instinctively, he straightened into a proper sitting position. Watching him comply, Emilia gave a satisfied nod and moved to sit right beside him.
Naturally, from his lower position he was looking up at her, but right now, not even that thought could bother him.
All he could do was desperately try to read Emilia's true intentions.
"……Mm."
A small murmur from Emilia.
As though confirming something—or perhaps convincing herself—she took a breath, then sat in proper seiza right next to Subaru.
Having her beauty so close he could almost reach out and touch her left him flustered, and Subaru stared intently at her white profile, searching for any trace of emotion. Then, quite suddenly, he noticed that her pale cheek had flushed pink, and the tips of her ears were faintly red.
"This is special, okay?"
"——Huh?"
The enigmatic words raised a question mark, but before he could voice it, the back of his head was pushed forward.
Naturally, his seated body couldn't resist the force. With the momentum carrying him, he pitched forward—and was caught by something soft.
"The angle's off a little. And it's kind of prickly."
There was a slight squirming beneath his head, and Emilia's embarrassed voice sounded right beside him.
Raising his eyes in surprise, his surprise deepened at the sight before him, and his eyes went wide.
Right above—incredibly close, close enough for their faces to touch—was Emilia's face. It appeared upside-down, and somewhere in the back of his mind, a distant, drowsy thought surfaced: "Oh, so I'm the one who's upside-down."
This distance. Upside-down. Something soft beneath his head.
——All those keywords gathered together and took shape, forming a single meaning in Subaru's mind. In other words, "……A lap pillow?"
"It's embarrassing, so don't spell it out! And no looking at me—close your eyes."
His forehead was lightly tapped, and her palm covered his eyelids, blocking his vision. But Subaru brushed her hands aside: "As adorable as a blushing Emilia-tan is……but seriously, what's the situation here? Did I somehow earn a reward without realizing it?"
"That kind of tough-guy deflection isn't good."
His forehead was tapped again. But this time, her hand stayed there. Emilia reached out with her free hand, scooped up Subaru's bangs— "I told you, didn't I, Subaru? That when you were exhausted, you could have a lap pillow. So I'm doing it for you. I can't always, but today is special."
"Special or not, it's only the second day? If I look that worn out and decrepit after just this much, then I'm the most frail human being in history——"
"You've been completely crushed. I can tell just by looking. You probably won't tell me the details, will you? I don't think something like this will really help……but it's all I can do."
Cutting Subaru off, Emilia spoke with the same tender gaze. Her fingers, which had been gently combing his bangs, had at some point found their way to parting his hair and were now softly stroking his head, the way one might soothe a small child.
He gave a small laugh and tried to shrug off her gesture.
He'd resolve himself to maintain his composure in front of her. This wasn't it—this wasn't the kind of pathetic thing he'd let himself do.
"Haha……Emilia-tan, you……I……"
But his voice went thin. His throat closed up. The next words wouldn't come.
He couldn't separate his consciousness from the feeling of those gentle fingers stroking his head. He didn't know why.
"Tired?"
"I'm, yeah, still……I'm fine. Totally, fine……"
"Troubled?"
"If you're this nice to me, y'know, I'll fall for you. And then, again……like this……haah."
To her brief questions, Subaru's replies came out hollow.
He could tell they were hollow, even himself.
And then, Emilia leaned in close to him.
"——It must have been hard for you."
"————!"
Said with warmth. Said with comfort. Said with love.
With just that. With those few words alone, the crumbling dam inside Subaru burst.
It broke, it shattered, and everything he'd been holding back gushed out in a torrent.
It was the stagnant pool of raw emotion he'd thought he'd sealed away, but had never managed to eliminate in the slightest.
"It was……so hard. It was so damn hard. I was so scared. I was so incredibly sad. It hurt so much I thought I was gonna die……!"
"Yeah."
"I tried so hard. I was trying so hard. I was desperate. Desperately trying to make everything go right……! Really. Truly, honestly—there's never been a time I've tried harder than this!"
"Yeah, I know."
"Because I liked this place……because I felt like this place was important……! That's why I was so desperate to get it back. I was scared. I was so scared. That they'd look at me with those eyes again……I hated that version of me so much I couldn't stand it……!!"
He couldn't control his emotions.
Once they exploded, they poured forth like a dam had burst, smearing the tear-stained face of the coward behind his smile of composure.
The tears wouldn't stop. Snot dripped down. Some indescribable liquid flooded his mouth, turning his sobbing into something even more wretched.
Pathetic. Humiliating. A grown man, bawling his eyes out on a girl's lap while she stroked his head. He wished he could die for how pathetic it was. He felt like he might die—from how warm his heart was being filled.
Emilia's responses to his sobbing were gentle. Even when she said "I know," not a single fragment of his experience had truly reached her—that much was obvious.
And yet, her voice carried a weight that couldn't simply be laughed away.
He didn't know why. Maybe he just wanted to believe it.
But the fact was, Subaru felt as though he was being saved by that inexplicable warmth.
Streaming with tears, Subaru continued to cry on Emilia's lap.
He cried and cried, wailed and wailed, until eventually his wretched sobbing faded into the distance, and only quiet breathing filled the guest room.
※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ——Rem visited that guest room while Emilia was gently stroking the sleeping Subaru's black hair.
Soundlessly opening the door, Rem caught sight of Emilia inside and was about to open her mouth when— "Shh."
Seeing Emilia press a finger to her lips, Rem fell silent.
The blue-haired girl with her short cut shook her head lightly and looked around the room. Then she sat down on the guest room floor and walked over to where Emilia had Subaru's head resting on her lap.
"Is Subaru-kun just sleeping?"
"Mm-hm. Fufu, look—doesn't he look like a child? He makes this relieved face when you pet his head."
Amused, Emilia continued stroking Subaru and looked to Rem for agreement. Rem gave a quiet nod.
"He won't be able to do any more work today, I think."
"Nope, today's a day off. Resting after only two days of work? What a terribly naughty boy. When he wakes up, I'll have to punish him~"
Smiling softly, Emilia returned to the task of playing with Subaru's face.
She showed no intention of moving him or freeing her legs. Rem interpreted her attitude as such and quietly looked down at Subaru.
Innocently, peacefully—he was fast asleep. All tension and frivolity had vanished from his face.
For some reason, whenever he was around Rem and her sister, a subtle tension always preceded his smile, no matter what.
Rem had sensed something deeper in that attitude and had even considered sharpening her vigilance.
But seeing him like this—sleeping so defenselessly— "Looking at him now, that sense of purpose fades."
Echoing Emilia, Rem brushed aside his bangs with a finger.
He looked as vulnerable as an infant—as though he knew nothing of the world. The sight was almost pitiful, and Rem's lips loosened ever so slightly.
"I'll go tell my sister that Subaru-kun is useless today. We'll need to re-divide the work."
With a bow, Rem left those polite parting words and turned away.
She was heading to her sister's location. If she closed her eyes, she could sense it immediately. She walked straight toward it, intending to carry out the exchange just as she'd said.
From behind her, "Rem."
At the call, Rem stopped. Slowly, she turned her entire body around.
Sitting on the floor, Emilia was at a very different eye level from Rem. And yet, despite that, Rem felt an inexplicable sense of pressure—as though she were the one being looked down upon.
Oblivious to Rem's small surprise, Emilia said quietly: "——Subaru is a good boy, you know?"
At those words, Rem responded with a deep bow.
Without leaving so much as a glance behind, she headed for the door and left the two of them in the guest room.
Walking down the corridor, she savored Emilia's words.
On Rem's expressionless face, a faint tremor ran across—a thing so subtle even she herself hadn't noticed.
——Only the faint trace of a foul, wicked smell lingering in the air remained, leaving the smallest knot in Rem's heart.