"Falling asleep on a girl's lap while she pets your head — just on its own, that's like a top-tier event, you know?"
Subaru scratched his head and muttered with an awkward expression.
Downcast eyes, stifled sighs, cheeks flushed all the way to his ears — he scratched faster and faster — "And then the girl in question watches me bawl my eyes out, whine and sob, get my face all gross with tears and snot, and *then* pass out cold. On top of that, I hogged her lap for hours in that state… What kind of humiliation play even *is* this?"
What he recalled was the feeling of
Tears, drool, snot — everything. It was a state that was unspeakable from a hygiene standpoint and just as unforgivable from the standpoint of basic male dignity.
And yet, she hadn't jostled him awake even once until he stirred on his own. She hadn't blamed him for the mess he'd made of her clothes. When he woke up and started groveling in apology, she hadn't scolded him for it either.
"As long as you got even a little rest, that's what matters. Besides, Subaru, you still don't get it."
"Huh?"
"Instead of saying 'sorry' over and over, saying 'thank you' just once in moments like this — that's what makes the other person happy. I didn't do it because I wanted you to apologize. I did it because I *wanted* to."
A finger pressed to his lips, one eye closed as she said it — was there a man alive who *wouldn't* cave to that? No. There was not.
In fact, Subaru caved instantly and completely. He was already head over heels for her, and now with that finishing blow, his resistance multiplied to zero.
He parted ways with Emilia — who said she was going to change clothes — and wandered the mansion in a dreamy daze until, snapping back to reality, he found himself in this state.
Looking back on everything he'd done today, the sheer wretchedness of it all made him want to cry. Not that he could shed any tears after having already cried that much.
"I'm the worst — I'm *so* the worst. I was already determined not to show Emilia-tan my weak side, and now I've put the most embarrassing display imaginable right on full view. You can't even look me in the eye anymore, man."
"…Breaking into someone's room late at night, and *that's* what you lead with? I thought it was peaceful since you'd been gone all day, but it seems you've had your share of misfortune."
Perched on the middle rung of a stepladder, Subaru writhed near the entrance while
After wandering the mansion and convincing himself he couldn't face anyone while sober, the place Subaru had fled to was this forbidden small room that no one could reach. For its young mistress, that was probably cold comfort, at best.
But that wasn't his only reason for coming here.
"Come on, Beako. You and me, we've got that kind of relationship."
"What kind of relationship could Betty and you possibly — wait. Before that — what did you just call Betty?"
One eyebrow raised, cheek twitching, Beatrice fired off her question. Subaru clapped his hands at her reaction.
"Yeah, Beako. For anyone I feel a certain level of closeness with, I give them a nickname. I think it's necessary. Up to now, among the people at this mansion, you were the only one I never felt that way about at all, but…"
What he recalled was the last time around — that time when he had been steeped in total despair.
Fast-talking and silver-tongued — even if the situation hadn't exactly been one where she'd been sweet-talked into anything, a contract had genuinely been forged between the two of them.
Beatrice had honored that contract faithfully. She had bent the terms, gone out of her way to help Subaru — even if it meant being deliberately vague about what the contract actually entailed.
Even if she had forgotten, there was no way *he* could forget the salvation he'd felt in that moment.
And so, "Whether you think of me however you want, *I'm* going to call you Beako. That's the most affection I can possibly show you — the absolute proof of my fondness!"
"That's not even a *little* flattering! What is this pushy goodwill of yours?! It's not just unpleasant — it's downright nauseating!"
"What's with that reaction?! I'm being dead serious here, trying to convey my heartfelt gratitude, and you're treating this like it's some kind of joke?!"
"If you could even *remotely* reflect on what you just said and still claim you're not kidding, then what exists between you and Betty isn't a conversation — it's something that merely *resembles* a conversation!"
He'd intended a conversational back-and-forth, but instead he got told off for playing the wrong sport entirely — like trying to play kabaddi during a baseball game — and Subaru sputtered.
It had been his own peculiar way of showing affection, but unfortunately, it hadn't quite landed with her. He was genuinely disappointed by that, and he deflated involuntarily.
"Well, regardless, I'm still gonna keep calling you Beako."
"That misguided persistence of yours is unwelcome. Then Betty absolutely refuses to respond to anyone who uses that name. That way, at least we're in agreement."
"Don't be so cold, Beako."
"……"
At Subaru's call, Beatrice simply averted her gaze back to her book without a word. It seemed she was going to put her earlier declaration into practice.
Approaching the stubborn girl, Subaru circled around the stepladder, chanting, "Beako, Beako, Beako, Beako, Beako, Beako, Beako…"
"—You are *unmatched* in how irritating you can be! What *is* your problem?!"
Like a kabaddi player calling his breaths, he chanted her name over and over. Beatrice's patience finally reached its breaking point with Subaru whispering in her ear, and he threw a victory fist pump.
Then, turning back to face her again, he smirked at the girl who still had her shoulders raised in irritation, "I'm backed into a corner with nowhere to turn. Honestly? I need your help."
And with that, he told the vertical-haired girl the conclusion he had arrived at through all his pathetic crying and wailing — the desperate, sorry conclusion of a man at the end of his rope.
※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ After spilling everything out on Emilia's lap — flushing every ounce of filth and tears and grief he'd been harboring — the only thing left inside Subaru was a pure, unadulterated greed.
He loved Emilia. He loved the life at this mansion where he could be with her. He loved that he could learn all sorts of things here. He loved
A swelling ache in his chest, and surging thoughts that poured forth like a flood.
Irreplaceable memories of happiness — the source of his drive to keep moving forward.
And yet, at the same time — He loved Emilia. He hated himself for not having the strength to protect her. Life at the mansion was nerve-wracking. He never knew when he'd be found wanting. Ram, who had severed his leg with a blade of wind and driven it through his neck, terrified him. Rem, who had healed his wounds only to torture him further, who had crushed his skull with an iron ball, horrified him. And Roswaal, who harbored those two — and could, without a shred of mercy, order Subaru's annihilation — possessed an unfathomable madness that made his skin crawl. Every time he woke, he had to confirm whether he was even alive, and had to wonder whether despair was already creeping up on him — and the sheer agony and grief of that was more than he could bear.
That, too, was an inescapable truth buried deep within him.
These contradictory feelings could not coexist, and so Subaru lived his days carrying both on the surface and beneath it, struggling to survive.
It was like walking barefoot across thin ice, where the skin of his sole might peel off at any moment — and he had to keep smiling without ever letting on.
It was Emilia who had spotted that suffering of his, who had scooped up his wretched, despair-fighting anguish and refused to let it go unnoticed.
Maybe it was
But even so, it was Emilia who had soothed his heart — his heart that was on the verge of wearing through.
Even if it was dependence, he didn't care.
What drove Subaru's heart right now — the engine behind everything — was without question his feelings for her.
Yes, in other words — "Emilia-tan is literally an archangel."
"…Did you just say something spectacularly stupid?"
"Not at all. I just reaffirmed the single most important thing in my life."
He answered with his chest puffed out, full of confidence.
And having that remark fully endorsed, Beatrice seemed to find even the gesture of exasperation too exhausting — she just let out a sigh.
"Let's get back on topic. …So, what was this about you needing Betty's help?"
"Yeah, I'm basically begging on my knees here. I can't think of anyone else I can turn to."
Right now, the one person in this mansion Subaru could place his complete trust in was, of course, Emilia. But her existence was also, simultaneously, the single most critical factor in Subaru's life.
Put simply — Subaru did not want her anywhere near danger. To Subaru, who valued his own life above all else, her existence was something that could be weighed on the scales of life itself — with no exaggeration whatsoever.
Which meant that, in this loop where he was contemplating a confrontation with the curse user, borrowing her help was the option he wanted to leave for last — the absolute last resort.
And that naturally made it difficult to borrow the power of Puck, who was her companion. So the only remaining option was — "All along, it turns out, you're actually pretty soft — an easy mark, Beako."
"I may not understand the content, but I can certainly detect the air of insult?"
"That wasn't my intention at all. …The truth is, in this mansion right now, you're the only one I can rely on."
He couldn't confide in Ram or Rem, and certainly not in Roswaal. If Subaru had anyone at this mansion he could turn to besides Emilia, it was her.
"Please. — I'm begging you, right here."
And so, Subaru knelt before her, lowered his head, and made his plea.
For her cooperation. For her to light the path for him, to bring an end to this cycle of repeating despair.
"I need your strength. I want to protect the place where I can be happy — all of it, every part of it."
"————"
Head still bowed, silence fell between the two of them.
As he waited for her answer, Subaru's heart hammered against his chest with anxiety. But as the silence stretched on, even that sound grew distant — and Subaru, sensing something odd, raised his eyes slightly. And then — "…Beatrice?"
Without thinking, he called her by her name, forgetting the back-and-forth they'd been having just moments before.
And it was because Beatrice's expression, as she gazed at him, was filled with an emotion so aching and tender.
Brows faintly furrowed, lip bitten, Beatrice was glaring at him. She *was* glaring — but to Subaru, it looked like a face that might break into tears at any moment.
He held his breath and waited in silence for her next reaction.
Beatrice took a moment — as if calming the tidal wave of emotion that had risen within her — and with her eyes still closed, said quietly, "…There is no reason for Betty to comply with your request."
That was all she managed, in a weak voice.
"Beako… I —"
"Silence, human. Betty isn't going to be patient with you forever. If you think you've got me in the palm of your hand, I won't forgive you."
She cut Subaru off, firing the words at him in rapid succession.
Her hypersensitive reaction left Subaru speechless. He was bewildered, wondering what exactly about his earlier words had struck such a nerve.
He'd managed to amplify her already stubborn reluctance, and had only made things worse.
He'd meant to be sincere, but it had backfired.
A result he'd regret endlessly — but Subaru was not in a mental state fragile enough to dwell on it.
Saying something and having it blow up in his face — at this point, he was completely used to it. In this world he'd repeated five times over, how many times could he remember throwing the dice and getting a good result?
Thinking about it that way, he could grind that smoldering, weak part of himself to dust. After all, that was precisely the weak self he'd already blown away — crying on Emilia's lap, turning everything into snot and tears.
He decided he hadn't actually cried. A man who bawled on a girl's lap — no, not just in front of her, but *on her lap* — was the worst kind of man there was.
He had his pride. He was a boy, after all.
"Listen, Beatrice. I understand why you'd want to push me away like that. From your perspective, I'm just some rude, nonsensical guy who got carried in here barely a day ago."
"If you understand that much, then you should understand Betty's answer too."
"The wound in my stomach — you were the one who closed it up, and I'm grateful for that. You don't know this, but I owe you so much it's embarrassing, and on top of that, I'm still stuck in a position where I need to ask you for help. Pathetic, isn't it? Utterly wretched. But there's no one else."
He poured out everything that surfaced in his heart, one after another.
He knew it was selfish — a one-sided imposition with no regard for her feelings — but even so, Subaru kept his head lowered.
Watching his rambling words and his bowed form, Beatrice let out a small, characteristic sniff, "Complaining about your lack of strength while pathetically groveling on the ground. Do you have *no* pride?"
"I've clearly seen what's important. If smashing my head against the ground a hundred or a thousand times would help, I'd do it in a heartbeat."
He did not possess the petty pride of someone hung up on his own smallness.
Head still bowed, Subaru refused to change his posture of desperate supplication.
He knew it was a cowardly tactic. In this world he'd repeated five times, Subaru had encountered Beatrice again and again, and every time, they'd argued.
Because they'd had that kind of relationship, he understood. No matter how much Beatrice seemed to push him away on the surface — "Raise your head."
A resigned, gentle voice reached his ears, and Subaru thought his humble plea had gotten through.
He became freshly aware of his own smallness, and felt something close to self-loathing at his insincere display of sincerity. But it had been a necessary step. He had to accept that.
Above all, if he wanted to reach the future he desired, he had to use every tool at his disposal — "Bea—"
"You want a kick?"
"Gah!"
But before that resolve could harden on his face, something hard came at him without warning and slammed squarely into him.
Still in his kneeling posture, his head snapped backward, and an indescribable sound echoed through the Forbidden Library, followed by a voiceless scream that reverberated off the walls.
Subaru writhed on the floor like a shrimp, thrashing in agony.
Unable to process the damage to his cervical vertebrae, he rolled around, eyes unfocused — until his gaze met Beatrice's, standing with her arms crossed and one leg still raised.
He understood. The girl had driven a full-force yakuza kick straight into the face of the man bowing before her.
"You… this… *how*—!"
"Even if a hundred of your heads went rolling across the floor, Betty can't see how that would come anywhere close to compensating her effort. No matter how many copper coins you gather, they'll never amount to a single holy gold coin. Do you understand that?"
"Well, even copper coins — if you gather *thousands* of them, they'd probably exceed the value of one holy gold coin. If you're comparing by total value, that's how it works, right? Did you even do the math?"
"Stop looking at me with that pitying expression! That's *not* the look of someone who was just trying to ask for Betty's help!"
And so began Subaru and Beatrice's verbal sparring match — back and forth, bickering noisily.
In the world repeated over and over, their exchanges never once started for the same reason.
As the familiar argument continued, the desperate resolve Subaru had carried earlier began to seem absurd in hindsight.
And after all that, the conclusion of their debate was — "Fine, I'll play my trump card. If you agree to help me, I'll put up with you draining my mana a few times."
"Your mana isn't worth that much? It did taste better than ordinary mana… or rather, was it some kind of compatibility thing?"
"My mana has been absorbed by Puck before too. Which means, indirect mana drain. …Get what I'm implying?"
Beatrice's expression changed. Subaru savored his advantage in the negotiation, and the sight of Beatrice biting her lip in frustration before giving a grudging nod served as the finale.
Looking back, Subaru thought, it was a pretty anticlimactic resolution.
Of course, it had only ended that way because Subaru had steered the conversation there — to reluctantly extract her agreement to help.
…He had known, all along, that the tiny mage would take care of him like that.