Dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark place.
Deepest, deepest, deepest, deepest, deepest, deepest, deepest inside the head.
Self, I, me, who, you, him,
—Who, me, Meili Portroute. Who, me, Meili Portroute.
"—"
Thoughts spinning round and round, dissolving and mingling and tangling and nurturing and hating and suffering and loving and desiring and killing and wishing and destroying and threatening and understanding and weeping and laughing and failing to understand within the ambiguous haze between reality and unreality.
The self is the self and nothing but the self, and others are others and nothing but others.
There is no room for compromise, no mercy in concession, no soil for mutual understanding, no relationship of caring for one another—just a hollow, self-contained closure.
"Subaru…"
"—"
Shaking his head, drowning in the desperate effort to pull out the thorn named "other" from inside himself.
Supporting the gasping, suffocating boy from both sides, gently touching his shoulder, are Emilia and Beatrice. Feeling the weight of their worried gazes against his cheeks, the boy—the individual who should be called Natsuki Subaru—struggles to reestablish the boundary between self and other, trying to reclaim himself.
Circulating thoughts, emotions spiraling into a vortex where the right answer vanishes once everything dissolves together.
His lungs spasming, the sensation of labored breathing—when he touches his throat, what vividly resurges is the crushing pressure around his neck, followed by the slow, creeping terror of suffocation.
The sensation of death closing in returns with visceral clarity, and the rising urge to vomit brings a slow, hot welling of tears.
"—"
Confronting that terrifying sensation, Subaru carefully, deliberately, excludes from within himself elements that could not possibly be his own, agonizing to establish himself as a single, unified entity.
First person, second person, memories, recollections, impressions, emotions, everything else—he sorts and categorizes them.
If he separates out the impurities, removes the foreign mixture, he can go back.
If he doesn't, he'll remain like this, dissolved and mingled, unable to peel away—himself and the girl he killed with "these hands," jumbled together into— "—Natsuki-kun, what exactly did you see? Can you tell us?"
"Uh…?"
A voice addresses the disassociated Subaru head-on.
Crouching down to match his eye level, he sees a person with light blue eyes—Anastasia. No, would it be
Recognizing this, Subaru watches as Echidna, her eyes still sharp with seriousness, continues pressing him.
"I can tell you're in a difficult state. But the situation is equally dire for all of us. If possible, we need information quickly. To respond—so we don't make mistakes."
"Wait, Echidna. Subaru's just been through something terrible…"
"Of course, I'm well aware of that. I also understand that his reckless act was for everyone's benefit. That's exactly why we have an obligation to respond to his judgment swiftly."
Subaru manages nothing more than a rasping breath. Emilia moves to shield him, but Echidna's argument cuts right through.
As she speaks, Echidna's gaze flickers for an instant to a book that had fallen to the floor behind them—thick, black binding. Her eyes linger on the spine, and then, continuing with "Because," Echidna adds: "The young girl who accompanied us is missing. Furthermore, in this archive where records of the dead are said to be preserved, a volume bearing what appears to be her name has been found. …The situation is serious. None of us has the luxury of standing still."
"That's… true, but…"
Faced with Echidna's low, firm argument, Emilia can't muster an immediate rebuttal.
In truth, Echidna's appeal is the rational one.
In this abnormal situation, Subaru is the one person holding the only real information they have. The idea of being considerate of his feelings and waiting for him to calm down—nobody here has that luxury.
Knowing this, Echidna is asking Subaru these questions steeling herself for criticism, hardening her heart to do what must be done.
Recognizing that resolve, Subaru too clenches his molars hard and touches his neck with his hand.
With all his strength, the memory of being squeezed returns. He closes his eyes.
And then— "Let me ask again, Natsuki-kun. What you saw in that book was—"
"—Meili's… memories."
"—"
To Echidna's question, Subaru answers without evasion, completely and honestly.
Instantly, Emilia at his side catches her breath, and Echidna before him closes her eyes. Beatrice, Julius, and Ram, also present, each show flickers of shock and grief across their faces.
The "Book of the Dead" had shown Subaru the records of Meili.
Not a single person present failed to understand what that meant.
If only this were some mistake—that the book containing Meili's record had been prepared in error. How easy it would be to cling to that irresponsible hope.
But there was not a single person willing to surrender to that deception and flee toward the easier path.
Especially not the girls at his side, whose cheeks were taut with anguish, trying to support his heart.
"Pull yourself together, Subaru. Calm down and focus on reclaiming yourself."
"…R-right."
"That's right. This is the time to lean on Betty with everything you've got. …This isn't Subaru's fault alone. Don't let it eat you alive."
"—"
Beatrice stands and cradles the head of the hyperventilating Subaru, telling him so.
Her palm stroking his dark hair holds back the thousand fractured threads of Subaru's tormented heart at the brink—and yet, in the cruelest irony, she stirs them all the same.
It's not Subaru's fault, Beatrice told him with such mercy.
But this wasn't anyone's fault—it was the sin committed by "Natsuki Subaru." Beatrice didn't know that, and Subaru found it absurdly, achingly funny that she was speaking to him so gently.
"—Ram, what do you think?"
Glancing sideways at this exchange between Subaru and Beatrice, Julius turns to Ram with a serious expression.
These two show comparatively less shock. That was because, if one traced Meili's memories, these two had been the ones in the party who had always been wary of Meili.
At least within the range Meili could perceive, Ram and Julius had never let their guard down around Meili the assassin.
Conversely, they could sense that Emilia and Echidna had been letting their guard down far too much.
"If we trust Subaru's words just now, then Miss Meili has already…"
"In that state, Barusu isn't skilled enough—or heartless enough—to lie. …The book over there being Meili's is beyond doubt. The question is whether someone else needs to verify it, yes?"
Ram crosses her thin arms and glares at the book still lying on the floor.
At her words, Julius furrows his brow thoughtfully and says: "—If it's me—"
"Because it's the second time, you think you'll be fine? If we're talking about a second time, Barusu who had the exact same conditions ended up like that. Of course, one could argue it hit him particularly hard because of his mental immaturity…"
"—"
"Unfortunately, Ram does not consider Julius's current mental state to be more stable than, or even superior to, Barusu's."
Julius chokes on his words at Ram's sharp, unwavering declaration from behind her pale pink eyes.
But he quickly shakes his head. "Fair point."
"…Harsh, but I have no grounds to dispute Lady Ram's words. After my selfish, headstrong actions yesterday, I hardly have the standing."
"I'm afraid I agree, however reluctantly."
Raising a hand, Echidna interjects over Julius's self-deprecating remark. She toys with the white fur of the scarf around her neck.
"However, my objection isn't based on Julius's mental state or lack thereof. I'm merely observing that from Natsuki-kun's condition, it would be a dangerous endeavor, and expressing my opposition on that basis."
"It is dangerous, that's true. He's clearly not himself."
"Indeed. It seems the effects of reading the book have manifested more strongly than last time. Whether that's a matter of repetition or the specific book read—that's what makes judgment difficult."
"A matter of repetition and the book read, was it?"
Ram and Julius exchange puzzled glances. Echidna nods.
"Simply put, either the mechanism is that the more books you read, the greater the strain—or else, reading the record of someone close to you warps the mind. I think the possibilities are split evenly between those two."
"Someone close, hmm…"
Echidna raises a finger with her hypothesis. Ram turns her gaze toward Subaru. Under that gaze, Subaru fights to keep from screaming inside Beatrice's slender embrace.
Echidna's hypothesis was almost certainly correct.
The reason Subaru's heart had been so deeply damaged was the latter of her two possibilities—the strain of reading the record of someone he knew, someone intimate.
The closer the relationship, the more devastating the impact of those raw records of a "life."
It was obvious, but people care more about those near to them than distant strangers.
Subaru, in truth, had wished for it. The fact that he had half-merged his psyche with Meili's was because he had delved in so deeply, desperate to know her.
As a result, Subaru had been forced to confront, at the deepest core of his "self," a bottomless emptiness.
The void of inertia that young girl had carried for so long—the sheer, grinding weight of being alive— "—In any case, we can't just sit here. Let's find Meili."
A sharp crack of decisive energy rang through the air.
It was Emilia, who pressed her palms together before her chest and raised her face with firm resolve. Drawing the room's attention to herself, her words made Subaru's eyes go wide.
"Find… her?"
—Find her. What did that even mean? And what point would it have?
—Meili, she, "I," was already dead.
—You never even cared about her before she died.
"Even if we find her, it might already be too late. We should have been with that girl, and maybe we couldn't do that. But we have to go look for her."
"—"
"Nobody knows where that girl was, do they? First, we find her… and then, we look for what we can still do. Let's search."
Emilia's words lacked specificity and were far from prudent or wise.
The "self" inside Subaru's objection remained unchanged: there had to be a more productive use of their time. Any realist would have argued so.
But no one in the room opposed Emilia's suggestion.
Not a single person stood up to flatly deny it.
What followed Emilia's proposal was a practical discussion of how to carry it out, a declaration of divided action.
"We'll have to revise our daytime strategy. Let's split up and search for her."
"Ram will… go check on
"Lady Ram, that would be best. …Subaru, this is cruel, but I need to ask. What you saw in the 'Book of the Dead'—did it include Meili's final moments?"
Julius chose his words carefully. At the question, Subaru hesitated.
Had he seen Meili's end? Yes. He had experienced, as intimately as possible, the moment Meili's "life" was lost.
Being strangled, consciousness fading from the suffocation, mind filling with despair and hatred, and then it all cutting off abruptly—that moment, perhaps, was when life's switch had been flipped.
And Natsuki Subaru, having experienced it firsthand, had then participated in concealing her corpse.
"Meili" was killed, and Natsuki Subaru cooperated with the man who did it. Natsuki Subaru—who knew Meili—cooperating with the very "Natsuki Subaru" who should be most despised in this world.
"Natsuki-kun, I need you to answer. Did you witness her final moments? Where she is now—what exactly caused her death? Did you see it all?"
"—"
Subaru can't bring himself to answer. Echidna presses him further, her delicate features lined with unease.
Her words stir up a tempest of emotion. His heart races. A clammy sweat creeps down his back. The terrifying thought that Beatrice beside him might notice—that's what frightens him most.
—Could it be that everyone already knows Subaru was involved in Meili's death?
Could they know, pretending ignorance, trying to force a confession out of Subaru through this roundabout pressure? Even such an absurd notion crossed his mind.
But each time it surfaced, the look in the gazes directed at him denied it.
Emilia's. Beatrice's. Echidna's. Julius's. The eyes they turned toward Subaru.
Only he—the one desperately trying to protect himself with bloodstained hands and filthy thoughts—was the one with a rotten, grotesque heart.
If that was the case, then perhaps he should listen to the wish of "I"—"If I die—"
"—I didn't see the moment of death. It's definitely inside the tower, but—"
Subaru crushes the temptation being offered by "I" and denies it.
That dangerous emotion budding within him—it was the sweet curse left behind by Meili Portroute, trying to compel Natsuki Subaru to confess his sins.
A thought that had indeed taken root inside Subaru.
He wanted Emilia and the others to find Meili's corpse. For them to find it, to regret, to grieve, to see their faces twisted in anguish, and to drain the pent-up bile in his own heart.
It was becoming unclear to Subaru himself whether it was Natsuki Subaru, or "I," or "Natsuki Subaru," or who exactly that feeling belonged to anymore.
"…Do you have the willpower to read the book one more time?"
"Echidna!"
Unable to deliver a decisive answer, Subaru is hit with what could only be called a merciless proposal. For an instant, Subaru almost said "if that's what's needed," but Beatrice was faster, snapping at Echidna like a cornered animal.
Still cradling Subaru's head, Beatrice narrowed her enormous round eyes to sharp points.
"What kind of name are you making Betty scream…! In any case, I won't allow such a thing. Whatever the reason, not just emotionally but for entirely separate reasons, Betty is opposed."
"Given the danger of further contamination, even I wouldn't recommend it. I was simply testing whether you had the resolve. Even if I argued for it, I had no intention of making you do it."
"…I'll pray that those are your true feelings, then."
Beatrice throws those words at Echidna with undisguised fury as the latter withdraws her suggestion.
Into the tense atmosphere between them, Emilia and Julius step simultaneously.
"That's enough. I'm against pushing Subaru any harder than this. And I'm against just standing here talking forever. …I want to start moving. Now."
"I agree with Emilia-sama. —Given the circumstances, if something happened to Miss Meili, an accident is the most likely explanation. Slipping on stairs or a balcony, or wandering outside the tower—"
"—That ain't it."
Without warning, Shaula—who had not participated in the discussion until now—cut in to deny Julius's concern.
She picked up Meili's "Book of the Dead" from where it had fallen at her feet, pinched the spine between her fingers, and swung it left and right.
"If Chibi-kid Number Two had gone outside the tower, I'd have gone full killing-machine mode. That didn't happen, which means nobody went outside. Simple as that."
"You're remarkably willing to touch a book everyone else was hesitant to handle."
"I don't like the idea of leaving it spread out on the floor either. For all I know, that counts as disrespectful to the archive, and I'd rather not be responsible for presenting a Kill-Them-All as the result."
As she spoke, Shaula juggled the "Book of the Dead" casually in her hands, tossing it from palm to palm.
Her attitude suggested a deliberate nonchalance about showing disrespect to the archive, but what came through more strongly was a total lack of solemnity.
Julius, predictably, knitted his handsome brows.
"Lady Shaula, please stop playing with that book. You seem to…"
"Lacking a heart that can grieve, or something like that? Even if you say that, I don't know. Sure, Chibi-kid Number Two was all clingy with me. I didn't hate Number Two or anything, but… ultimately, nothing matters to me except Master."
Shaula shrugged and grinned openly, brushing off Julius's words.
There was no trace of bravado or affected villainy. At least to Subaru, it was completely genuine—and that was who Shaula truly was.
In short, she was yet another person whose inner workings defied ordinary understanding.
—No. From the start, Subaru never had the ability to understand the true hearts of these people, whom he had only spent an infinitesimally brief time with.
Behind a mask of smiles, how many complex emotions, how many faces, can a person hide?
And Subaru had just learned that truth by chewing on the substance of "I's" life.
"—Let's split up and find Meili. Subaru, you stay here with Beatrice."
Subaru's self-reproach, and the twisted atmosphere Shaula had left behind— Emilia severs it all with a single sentence and raises her voice to drive them into action. At her instruction, Subaru is struck by a wretched, shameless feeling.
He wanted them to find "I"—he wanted them to find her.
"Beatrice, take care of Subaru. I'll go check on the situation at the watchtower."
"You're the right person for it. —Emilia, all of you, be careful."
They exchange words, entrust their wishes, divide roles, and wish each other strength.
Then Emilia, taking Ram and Echidna with her, scattered into the tower to search for Meili.
Subaru watched her receding back, unable to say a word— "—So it seems you don't intend to come along."
Having seen the search party off, Beatrice stood beside Subaru in the library and glared at Shaula, who lingered nearby.
To Beatrice's sharp gaze, Shaula drawled sweetly: "Well, my role is just being the star keeper, right? Once I take off this crown, my body and soul belong to Master—so if Master asks, I'll do anything with everything I've got."
"Then shouldn't you be out looking for Meili instead of standing here?"
"…Is that really what you want?"
Shaula tilted her head, and her gaze turned to Subaru with an unexpectedly languid look.
Leaping over Beatrice's head, she directed a question straight at Subaru. There was a unique sensuality—a seductive quality that, despite the promise in her voluptuous appearance, was contradicted by her openness and childishness, as if she were far removed from anything so calculating. It was the first time Subaru had seen this expression from her.
"—"
That sudden, intoxicating allure made Subaru's heart leap violently once more. He looked up involuntarily, meeting Shaula's inscrutable dark eyes.
Shaula softened her lips at the sight of his face, without a trace of malice, and gently drew the "Book of the Dead" against her full chest.
"If Master wishes it, I'll shoot the moon right out of the sky. So I don't want to hear it from a half-devil, or Chibi-kid Number One, or the fish-eyes. I want to hear it from Master."
"From me…?"
"Master, what should I do? Should I go look for Chibi-kid Number Two? Or…"
She cut off there, leaving the rest unsaid.
Requesting his judgment, Shaula waited, the "Book of the Dead" held against her breast. Her unwavering posture forced Subaru to examine himself, to grapple with the question of where the right answer to his own feelings truly lay.
"—"
It was the opposing feelings about Emilia's proposal that most vividly proved the contradictory nature of what Natsuki Subaru had become.
—Meili Portroute's, by no measure, long life.
He had read it through the "Book of the Dead," and like a gluttonous parasite nibbling selectively, he had blasphemed it—chewing, swallowing, and digesting it in an invisible stomach.
Natsuki Subaru had savored "I's" life to its fullest—in every sense of the word.
As a result, the mingled consciousnesses of Natsuki Subaru and "Natsuki Subaru," having absorbed a fundamentally different girl's essence, split apart into something approaching schizophrenic duality.
—Subaru wanted to hide his involvement in Meili's "death."
—Subaru wanted someone to find the body he had hidden.
—Subaru despised "Natsuki Subaru," the one who had killed "I."
And so, contradictory desires were born inside Subaru, driving him to act in ways that could fulfill them all.
"—Shaula. Go find Meili. Help Emilia and the others."
Before he knew it, Subaru was issuing that command to Shaula, who had been waiting for instruction.
Receiving the order, Shaula raised her eyebrows, straightened her posture, and snapped a salute.
"Roger that, roger that! If it's Master's wish, I'll do anything at all, you see!"
She gave an adorable salute and a wink, then thrust the book toward Subaru. He took it, feeling the unexpected dark weight, and grimaced. Shaula stuck out her tongue at him.
The moment her expression seemed playfully mischievous—almost vindictive—she spun around, turning her back on Subaru, and leaped from the library staircase in a single bound. He watched until the black hair dancing across her back vanished from sight, then let out a breath, freed from a strange sense of pressure.
"What a strange girl…"
—The Natsuki Subaru who didn't want to be exposed as an accomplice to murder, whose body would be discovered.
—"I," the victim, who wanted someone to find her corpse so that her grievance and rage could be laid to rest.
—"Natsuki Subaru," the perpetrator, who imposed murder and injustice on others, piling evil upon evil.
These all coexisted within a single body, forcing Natsuki Subaru toward decisions and choices.
If he truly wished only for his own peace of mind, Subaru should have kept silent about Meili's life and death, used his wits more cleverly, and obscured the contents of the "Book of the Dead."
That he couldn't was partly because Subaru lacked the cunning for it—but more than that, it was because he sympathized with "I's" grief, and because of the animosity toward "Natsuki Subaru"—the anger at himself for allowing that evil existence to remain unchecked.
In the previous loop, the one before that, and before that, someone had driven Subaru to his death. That was fact.
But even that, Subaru now suspected, might have been a trap devised by the "Natski Subaru" lurking inside him—engineered to make Subaru hate others and spiral out of control.
And in the end, what he had been thinking before reading the "Book of the Dead" was correct, wasn't it?
Neither Emilia nor Meili nor anyone else was truly evil. The only evil one was Natsuki Subaru himself—and him alone.
"Subaru, don't let it consume you. Maybe you should put that book down."
"—"
Glancing over, he saw Beatrice kneeling beside him, gazing at him with worry.
Her eyes, looking straight at him with genuine concern—pierced through him with the same light that Emilia had worn, filling his chest with an uncomfortable, suffocating feeling.
The feelings Beatrice directed at him—those had originally been meant not for him, the one pretending to be Natsuki Subaru, but for "Natsuki Subaru" himself.
And here he was, receiving them while hiding the fact that he had lost his memories, remaining silent even though he knew "Natsuki Subaru's" true nature. It felt unbearably dishonest.
Shouldn't he tell her?
Without his knowing, the Natsuki Subaru of today was capable of taking a life like Meili's. If that danger was going to be turned on Emilia or Beatrice again, shouldn't he lay everything bare— "…Why are you so kind?"
"—. What an abrupt question, as usual. What's brought this on?"
"Nothing…"
Maybe he should have asked before some decisive word shattered this borrowed relationship for good—asked for her true feelings.
What did the trust that Emilia, Beatrice, and the others directed toward "Natsuki Subaru" truly mean?
"—"
Trust—and the moment he dwelled on it, a sludge formed in Subaru's chest.
What "I" had felt toward Elsa. What these girls in this world, who treated Natsuki Subaru with such warmth, felt toward "Natski Subaru."
A jewel that Natsuki Subaru alone could never possess—something he could only watch from afar.
Its traces, its lingering fragrance, its remnants, the warmth that should have been there—why was Natsuki Subaru, and no one else, forced to see it all from so impossibly close?
"—"
Why that man.
Why that cruel man.
Why that man who leered with such ugliness.
Why the man involved in Elsa's death.
Why the man who could laugh and kill Meili.
Why the man who tried to hide "I's" death.
Why was such a man—a man, a man—liked? Liked by them?
"—"
He wanted to know. He didn't want to know. He wanted to know. He didn't want to know. Only he, only Subaru, only "I" didn't know the reason. Couldn't know. Could never know. Everything was one-sided, entirely one-sided.
"—"
Would asking reveal the truth? Would asking allow him to question them? Would they tell him?
Would he believe that was their honest answer? The smile "I" had worn, the smile she had shown—was it a mask concealing emptiness? Everyone wore masks. Even Natsuki Subaru never wanted to show his father or mother the person he was outside the house.
Then where could the truth be found?
Her true feelings, her real heart—why did they believe in "Natsuki Subaru"?
The means to learn that—shall "I" tell you all about it?
"—"
A voice echoed in his mind, cruelly tempting Natsuki Subaru.
And he realized that the answer to the question dominating his skull was close at hand.
Even now, right here within his arms—wasn't there a way to find the answer?
"Subaru?"
Beatrice narrowed her eyes with unease, gazing at the silent Subaru.
Without meeting her gaze, Subaru simply looked down at his own arms.
"—"
The thick, black book seemed to be welcoming his morbid curiosity with a cruel, eager embrace.