—That was that, and this was this.
With their discussion settled in such a fashion, Subaru and Julius shared an odd sense of mutual understanding.
Honestly, Subaru wasn't confident he'd been able to empathize with Julius's complicated feelings. He couldn't help but wonder if there had been better words, a more perfect approach, a more graceful way to handle things.
Something beyond that blunt conclusion of "that was that, and this was this"—words refined enough to overwrite an unfair reality.
"But that's very you. For better or worse."
"...Yeah, I guess. But 'being me' is a pretty loaded statement when you consider how much the me of yesterday overlaps with the me of right now. That's actually a pretty big deal when it comes to my identity crisis."
"If we're talking about establishing one's sense of self, I was shaken considerably not long ago myself. As a senior who's endured the same hardship, allow me to offer some advice—that was that, and this was this."
"Shut up!"
Subaru barked at Julius, who was smirking thinly and poking fun at their earlier exchange. Julius shrugged off the objection with a composed air.
Sure enough, it seemed like he'd managed to rebuild some of his emotional footing. The throw had been clumsy and awkward in its wording, but the receiver was competent enough to catch it.
Anyway, as the two of them went back and forth like that— "—Master, are you doooone yet?"
"Oh?
Behind him, peering down from the top of the stairs leading to the third floor, Shaula called out.
Leaning over the railing with her black braid dangling from one shoulder, she pressed her ample chest to the floor and looked down at them.
"Why are you being so discreet? Is that really your character?"
"Well, y'see, whenever Master's talking alone with someone, it's usually about something really important, right? So a while back you told me to stay away 'cause my presence would break the mood, so I've been keeping to that! Did you forget...? Wait, Master, you forgot everything!"
"Heart-to-hearts and breaking the mood, huh..."
Subaru furrowed his brow suspiciously at Shaula's cheerfully blunt words. Paying his reaction no mind, Shaula hopped over the railing with a "whoop" and dropped down.
Leaping over twenty-plus steps in a single bound, Shaula landed without a sound. She scurried over to Subaru and hooked her arm around his.
"I've told you time and again to stop doing this.
"Hmph. Emilia-sama would?"
"Don't 'hmph' me! There's at least some possibility, right? Even if it's like searching for a needle dropped in the desert—an impossibly slim chance, but not zero."
As he spoke, Subaru forcibly unwound her arm. At his attitude, Shaula puffed out her cheeks with a discontented "awww."
"You're so mean, Master! What kind of treatment is this for a warmth-starved girl like me?"
"If you're starved for warmth, go cling to Meili or
Cross-referencing the shocking fact he'd just learned with the countless times he'd already hugged her to confirm it, Subaru marveled at Beatrice's overwhelming lolita power.
Conclusion: no matter how many years they live, lolitas are lolitas.
"Hmph! Then I'm not reporting my findings to such a heartless Master. It's a student strike! Management needs to listen to the workers!"
"Ugh, fine, fine. I'll seriously consider improving your working conditions, so give me the report. What happened?"
"I doubt you'll actually follow through! But but, I'm an honest and adorable student, so I'll tell you! —Reid's book has been found."
"...Huh?"
With a little bounce of her braid and shoulders, Shaula beamed as she said it.
The abruptness of her words made Subaru's eyes go wide. Julius's widened just as much.
"Lady Shaula, what did you just say?"
"I t-old you, Reid's book has been found! A book with that loser's name on it ought to be burned if you ask me. You think so too, right, Master?"
"Ha, ha, ha..."
"Ha-ha-ha? Are you cackling, Master?"
Shaula bent at the waist and peered up at Subaru from below. Meeting her pure, guileless black eyes, Subaru opened his mouth.
And shouted.
"—You could've led with that!!"
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ "Oh! Subaru, look! Reid's book has been found!"
Spotting Subaru's head poking up from the staircase, Emilia broke into a radiant smile and declared so in her silvery voice.
What she was gesturing at with obvious delight was a thick book cradled in
Stretching as far as the eye could see, the archive was packed with an immense collection of books—its origins lost to time, but if it truly recorded every death in this world, then the number of volumes was, without exaggeration, as countless as the stars.
"To find the one you were after in all of that... Must've been while I was doing Julius's counseling... therapy? Aromatherapy? Something like that."
"Counse... ling? I'm not really sure what that is, but hehehe, impressive, right? But I wasn't the one who found it."
Emilia puffed out her chest, then corrected herself—the credit wasn't hers.
What she meant became clear from what she did next. Emilia gently pushed forward the dark-haired girl who had been clinging to her waist.
"It was Meili who found it. Isn't that something?"
"Being called 'something' is making my skin crawl... Anyway, Meili found it?! That's a real achievement! Great work!"
Accepting Emilia's words, Subaru praised the unexpected contributor.
Meili, who had been nuzzling her head against Emilia's slender waist while receiving pats, looked away shyly at Subaru's words.
"I-It's no big deal. The book just caught my eye, that's all. It's not really worth praising. It was just a tiny bit quicker to find, that's all, really."
"Don't be modest. You absolutely should brag about the things you've done. That's a good girl, Meili. You've officially wiped out that minus from trying to knock me over!"
"I can regain points that easily!?!"
Meili's eyes went wide in surprise as Subaru ruffled her hair without the slightest restraint. "You're messing up my hair!" she complained, but Subaru just grinned.
"It's fine. It was only an attempt, and you made up for it with a huge accomplishment."
"———"
"So, about Reid's book... nobody's looked at it yet, right?"
Smiling at her, Subaru noticed Meili seemed like she wanted to say something, but she held her tongue.
Keeping Meili's hesitation at the edge of his awareness, Subaru turned the topic toward the discovered book.
The single volume in Ram's arms—the pattern on its spine bore script Subaru couldn't read.
At a glance, though, there was no uncanny feeling emanating from the book itself, nothing that screamed "Reid."
"So no matter how much of a maverick the guy was, the book about him doesn't put on a show?"
"If the binding were needlessly ornate or the title were screaming for attention, it would've been easier to spot. On the other hand, I'm grateful Meili found it for us."
"See, Meili? Even Ram's praising you! From Ram! This Ram! You should be happy—guh!"
"Silence."
Ram drove a finger into his side, and Subaru collapsed on the spot in agony. Having silenced him, Ram gave the book in her arms a light shake.
"With the way Barus is, imagine if he did something rash and lost his memories the way Barus did. That would be terrible. So I haven't shown it to anyone."
"My, my memory loss still hasn't been confirmed as the book's fau—"
"Ha!"
Subaru's unpersuasive words were laughed off with a snort from Ram.
In truth, it was almost certain that his memory loss and the Book of the Dead were connected. But even after finding the book, how to handle it was inevitably going to be a point of contention.
"Well, the book has been found safely. Now it's a matter of how to use it, I suppose."
Following the exact same train of thought as Subaru, Beatrice brought this up.
Her words cast a layer of tension over the joy of finding the book, pressing down on everyone in the archive. One wrong move with this volume and memories could vanish. Being asked to read it was no different from being asked to drink an unidentified, suspicious medicine. Resistance was only natural.
"Shall we talk about the dangers we can infer?"
"Dangers we can infer...? Are there really any,
"Only speculation based on the phenomena that have occurred and fragmentary information, but still."
Saying so with a shrug, Echidna raised one hand.
She extended her index finger within that hand.
"First, the danger of the Book of the Dead—as Natsuki-kun's situation clearly demonstrates, there is a possibility of losing one's own memories. According to Natsuki-kun, the memories that slip away seem to be fragmentary... Or rather, in this case, it might be more accurate to say that the memories remaining are the fragmentary ones?"
The amount lost far outweighed the amount retained. Echidna's words were correct.
However, where this slightly diverged from the truth was that Subaru had been using his memory loss and retention as camouflage to conceal his ability to "Return by Death."
In fact, during the very first time he truly lost his memories, Subaru had lost everything—all of his memories since arriving in this other world, with that caveat.
This meant it was probably best to assume there was no selectivity in which memories were erased. Subaru's case was, in a sense, the more merciful one—he hadn't yet lost himself.
If he'd lost not just his episodic memories, but his very sense of self...
Thinking about that sent a chill through him.
—At the same time, a question sprouted in the back of his mind: why was it that his memories of the original world hadn't disappeared? But that would have to wait.
"As for why the memories were lost, we can speculate on this as well. First possibility: reading the Book of the Dead comes at the cost of one's memories. This seems unlikely when comparing Natsuki-kun's case—who read the book once—and Julius's case, given the differences between them."
"I'd rather not think about this, but there is a possibility that even a small number of memories are lost. If the amount of reading material is proportional to the memories lost, that theory could hold, couldn't it?"
"I concur. In other words, the difference between my situation and Subaru's—the number of books read—is consistent with what Meili witnessed regarding Subaru's actions last night."
"———"
Echidna's reasoning was affirmed by Beatrice, and Julius in turn confirmed it.
Carefully following the conversation among his brilliant companions, Subaru gave a nod of understanding.
"So you're saying the amount of books read is related to the degree of memory loss?"
"That's one way to look at it. If this theory is correct, then the ones who should be reading Reid's Book of the Dead are us—those who have never read it before. Natsuki-kun and Julius, having already read one, may be at risk."
"———"
The opinion that experienced readers should take the lead clashed with the opinion that inexperienced readers should go first.
Both lines of reasoning had merit, and neither seemed obviously wrong. But what caught Subaru's attention was— "So what about me, who's already lost his memories once? If the condition for losing memories is cumulative exposure to the Book of the Dead's information, was I reset? Or wasn't I?"
"That's a serious concern. The thought of Barus's memories slipping away again and having to explain everything a second time... Just thinking about it sends a shiver down my spine."
"I'm shivering too, but your phrasing!"
"Mm... That's something I'm really worried about too. I don't want Subaru to forget everything about me again."
Emilia and Ram each affirmed Subaru's concern from their own angles.
In the end, it was impossible to know. Did the people who read more lose more, or were those who read fewer at greater risk? Nobody could say.
Not something he could bring up openly, but Subaru also had the memory of having read Meili's Book of the Dead during the previous loop. Would that count as another book read?
"...What? Is that the look of someone who's thinking about letting me read it as penance? Ow!"
"Like hell. Say something stupid and I'll smack you."
"Abuse! This is abuse! My treatment as a prisoner is worse than it was back at the mansion!"
Subaru reprimanded Meili, who had taken in his gaze and made what was definitely not a joking remark. Meili puffed out her cheeks at this, grabbed Emilia and Shaula's hands, and hid behind the two of them.
It was a shamelessly opportunistic move, but kids that age were cute precisely because they were like that. Subaru gave a wry smile at Meili's behavior, then turned back to Echidna.
"So, are there any other theories?"
"Let's see. The inexperienced of us, who each have at least one book's worth of leeway over Julius, could read it—or Julius, the experienced one, could read it—or Natsuki-kun, who may have already overflowed once, could read it..."
"Can I say something incredibly selfish? —I think I should be the one to read it."
"Subaru..."
As Echidna listed the candidates, Beatrice took Subaru's hand. In the girl's eyes, the color of worry outweighed even that of unease, and Subaru gave her a wink.
"This is no time for jokes. Subaru, your memories..."
"No, of course I don't want to lose my memories. But from a risk-management standpoint, this is the right call. When you think about it, I'm the least likely to put everyone in danger as a result of losing my memories. I'm the weakest one here."
Well, he wanted to say he wasn't weaker than Meili, but it was well-established that he couldn't beat anyone else present.
He was easy to restrain, and since he'd already lost his memories once, dealing with the aftermath would be straightforward.
The problem was that Subaru had accumulated four loops' worth of memories he couldn't afford to lose.
And so— "I'm not going in expecting to forget. But we're a team. Everyone needs to shoulder some responsibility for the group."
"———"
"Julius is the fighter, Echidna is the intellectual, Ram is the sharp tongue, Meili is the cute one, Beatrice is the cute one, Emilia is the beautiful heroine, and Shaula is the fan-service scene. When you look at it that way, I'm the one who should be filling this role."
"I feel like most of those roles don't really contribute much..."
"That's not true at all, ssu! When the scene goes dark and stuff, fan-service scenes are critical, ssu! I'll strip for Master and for art, ssu!"
"If you strip any more than that I'm going to be weirded out, so don't push yourself."
"I just got benched, ssu!"
This was Subaru's way of reassuring people, and everyone present understood that. It was Beatrice who sighed first at his self-sacrificing act, the one still holding his hand.
She let out a deep breath, gave Subaru a flat look, and said: "If you're going to be this stubborn, no amount of persuasion will move you, I suppose. That part of you hasn't changed even without your memories. Did the Meili situation drive that home for you?"
"Heheh, but you like that about me, right? I'm blushing."
"Don't get carried away!"
A red-faced Beatrice smacked him on the hip several times.
But her words carried no real denial. And it seemed everyone else besides Beatrice felt the same way.
"If you forget your promise with me, I'll crush you."
"I was in the middle of a really good monologue! What are you doing!?"
"What am I doing, I wonder."
Ram snorted through her nose and pressed the book she'd been holding against Subaru's chest.
Feeling the heavy weight of the book settle against his arm, Subaru smiled wryly.
"I know you're going to tell me not to do anything reckless, but that's exactly what I'm going to do. ...I know you think that's super unfair. You're always worried about me."
"I'm sorry about that. That's all I can say. But I think I worry about you about as much as you worry about me. ...Is that presumptuous?"
"It makes me happy that Subaru thinks of me that way. That's why I feel so complicated. I want to say 'you absolutely have to come back'... but if I make you promise, you'll just break it, so I won't."
"That level of distrust in the me of yesterday... it's actually kind of thrilling. What did I do?"
Subaru shrugged at Emilia's bittersweet words and looked around, asking "Right?" Only Shaula and Meili didn't look away.
Whether it was Beatrice and Ram on his own side, or even Julius and Echidna, Subaru's reputation as a promise-breaker had thoroughly permeated the group. A serious habitual offender.
Anyway— "No objections to me reading it, right?"
"...In the end, every theory is just speculation. If I could, I would have preferred to choose the option that was least risky for everyone here—the one with the fewest unknowns."
Echidna lowered her brows apologetically as she held the book up for Subaru. Her words were sincere, and there was no doubt she'd been trying to consider everyone's welfare. That was why Subaru could honestly tell her, "Don't beat yourself up over it."
"Well then, I'm gonna crack it open. If my memories blow out, freeze me immediately and give me a thorough lecture."
"Nobody's going to do anything that barbaric..."
"I know. You're all kind."
Patting the worried Beatrice's head, Subaru pressed gently on her wide forehead. Beatrice puffed out her cheeks in dissatisfaction and took a step back.
Then, gathering everyone's gaze, Subaru sat down heavily on the floor, crossed his legs, and let out a long breath.
—On his lap lay
"———"
When he focused on it, he could feel a definite sense of menace from the book.
When he'd tried to read Meili's Book of the Dead, he'd felt something similar, but the intimidation he sensed from this book far surpassed it. Perhaps the nature of whose book you held did change how the reader felt. —What kind of life was he about to be forced to witness?
And could his memories endure it?
"———"
Subaru placed his hand on the cover and, just once, looked toward everyone watching over him.
Beatrice, Meili, Ram, Echidna, Julius, Shaula—they were all there.
And— "—Subaru."
"Well then, I'm heading in. I might be late coming back, so go ahead and eat without me."
"...Idiot."
Seen off by Emilia's smile, Subaru turned the cover of the Book of the Dead.
In that instant, the text inscribed in the book seemed to rise to the surface, and he was struck by the illusion that information was being hammered from his eyeballs directly into his brain. His consciousness, in a single instant, was drawn into the book— —His consciousness was severed from the archive into darkness.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ —The sensation of reading Meili's Book of the Dead had become quite hazy in his memory.
The scenes he'd witnessed—her life, its trajectory—those were still fairly vivid.
But his own memories during the experience were, bluntly put, of having merged with the person named on the Book of the Dead, living through their subjective thoughts and scenes firsthand.
In short, the journey of reading through the Book of the Dead was an act of assimilation with its subject.
In that moment,
That was why Subaru could explain the strange self-awareness that had haunted him ever since—the lingering sense of "I" as Meili's shadow at the edge of his consciousness.
If that was the Book of the Dead's effect, then what Subaru should be witnessing in this moment was the life of Reid Astrea and the incomprehensible mental landscape of his subjective world.
What he thought, what he loved, what he hated, what he cherished, what he despised, what he did.
Subaru was supposed to become one with Reid Astrea's philosophy and be shown his life.
That was why Subaru immediately noticed something was wrong.
—Where he was right now was unmistakably not Reid's past.
"...Huh?"
He was standing in a white, white place.
All around him stretched an enormous, seemingly infinite void of white—not quite real, not quite not—and Subaru stood at a loss, unsure where he was.
He looked at his hands. His feet. He turned his head and confirmed his torso, his waist were all there.
In other words, Subaru's body was present. That alone contradicted the phenomenon that had occurred during Meili's Book of the Dead. He'd been thrust into a mismatched, unnatural situation.
As far as he could tell, Subaru's clothing was the same as when he'd decided to read the Book of the Dead.
Was this because his mind had recognized his current appearance as his "present state," or had some other will—a will belonging to a spirit of the book, perhaps—reproduced Subaru in this form?
He didn't want to believe that the moment he'd opened the book, he'd been absorbed body and all, but— "Oh my, oh my? You're here again, aren't you, big brother?"
"—!"
At a voice that wasn't his own—a third party's—Subaru's shoulders jolted involuntarily. The voice came from behind him. Instinctively, he lunged forward into a roll, then spun around to face the threat. At his sudden movement, the figure behind him widened her eyes.
"—Who are you?"
Seeing the person standing there, Subaru murmured in bewilderment and confusion.
It was a completely unexpected encounter—someone Subaru had never imagined meeting, a stranger.
Standing there was a girl he'd never seen before.
Long, impossibly long hair of a pale, translucent gold, like threads of gold light, cascading from her head. It spread across the white floor like a golden sea, pooling around the feet of the girl standing there.
Large, round blue eyes and limbs as pale and translucent as fine porcelain. Yet her body was clad in a crude, ill-fitting outfit stitched together from thin scraps of cloth, which marred the otherwise stunning impression.
"— — —"
A girl he'd never seen. That should have been the case.
Yet Subaru squinted at her and rubbed his eyelids roughly with the back of his hand, as though trying to clear a blur from his vision. But her appearance didn't change.
Looking again—a girl he didn't know. Faintly, he felt a flicker of pain in his memory.
"Feeling calmer now, big brother?"
"Where is this... No, who are you? Which one should I ask about first?"
"What a greedy big brother. But I don't dislike how honestly you just blurted out that you want to know both. We absolutely adore greedy people, you see."
Saying that, the girl's lips split sideways in a grin toward the bewildered Subaru.
Yes—a grin. There was no other way to describe that smile.
She looked thirteen or fourteen, perhaps, and gave the impression of being slightly younger still.
Her refined features were such that there was no question she was the kind of girl a smile looked beautiful on.
But in Subaru's eyes, her smile looked ominous.
As though her soul had trampled over countless lives—and his instincts were screaming it.
And before the trembling Subaru, she spoke.
"This is the lonely, white final destination for souls—the cradle of Od Laguna. —The Corridor of Memories."
"The Corridor... of Memories?"
"That's right, the Corridor of Memories. And—"
At the unfamiliar word, Subaru's eyes went wide.
Seemingly satisfied by his reaction, the girl spoke.
Taking the shape of a girl, malice spoke, and smiled.
"—We are the Archbishop of Sin from the
"———"
"It's going to be a short time again, but nice to meet you, big brother."