Everything was vanishing into a world of white.
Whether his frozen body had melted, shattered, or would remain forever encased in ice, he couldn't tell.
The fate of the body left behind was of absolutely no consequence to him now.
There was only one thing he clearly understood.
Over and over again, he had witnessed the wretched outcome, and with each repetition the situation worsened, until finally he had destroyed with his own hands the thing he most wanted to protect — and only then did he realize.
That
※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ The sensation of lost senses returning all at once was something no number of experiences could make familiar.
Cold seeped into the very core of his body until even the feeling of coldness faded, and the sense of loss — of sinking endlessly, endlessly into a white void — swallowed him whole.
Then that sensation of losing everything suddenly lifted, and in the blink of an eye, everything was back to normal.
Blood flowed through the limbs that had been battered beyond recognition, and the ravaged nerves resumed their normal function as if pain had never existed. The skin-piercing cold was gone, and sunlight — without even rolling up his sleeves — was stiflingly warm.
"——"
"——k"
"——ah"
Standing amid the bustle, sounds flew at him from every direction — right, left — dumping onto his restored hearing a workload that showed no mercy.
Processing those meaningless scraps of noise, Subaru checked the movement of his limbs. Both arms, sliced in two. His right foot, mangled like a bed of swords. His left foot, blown apart by a stake. All intact. His feet were planted firmly on the ground, and his fists were clenched tight and strong.
Everything was back. Control of his body, once lost, had returned, and Subaru felt a wave of relief.
And above all — "Subaru-kun, what are you zoning out for?"
On the other side of the counter, a blue-haired girl tilted her head and gazed at him with concern.
Having been abandoned by everything, beaten down by a helplessness beyond words, drowning in self-inflicted disappointment and loss, dying a dog's death with nothing he could do about it, and then returning to this — "
"Yes, I'm Subaru-kun's Rem. …What's wrong?"
He answered the voice that called his name — and then Rem slipped through the counter and stepped outside. Coming to a stop in front of Subaru, she reached out and touched his cheek.
Brows furrowed with worry, an expression of distress settling on her refined features, Rem said: "I'm sorry, I didn't notice. You must be exhausted. Getting absorbed in something else and forgetting your own duties — Rem is a failure as a maid."
"Exhausted… yeah, that's… right."
He lifted his hand and covered hers where it rested on his cheek. The contact made Rem raise her eyebrows in surprise, but she held back, reading the drained expression and voice in Subaru's face.
Without even glancing at her as if she had something more to say, Subaru clung to the warmth of her presence — tangible there in his palm — desperate not to let it slip away.
"I let everything fall… rubbed myself raw… and wore myself out."
But she, whom he thought he had lost, was truly here.
"——Subaru-kun?"
——From now on, he resolved, he would never let go of what was right in front of him.
※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ He cut swiftly through the crowd and descended the gentle slope.
He grimaced at the dust cloud kicked up by a dragon carriage passing right beside him, but his gaze remained fixed straight ahead. There was no hesitation in his steps toward his destination.
Come to think of it, throughout these looping days, Subaru had done nothing but waver.
Wavering over what he was. Wavering over where
But now, the same Subaru who couldn't even muster a proper sense about which direction to step was surging forward with a clarity of will he had never possessed.
He had finally understood.
The loops, the repeated days, had not been in vain.
The third world — the one that had cornered Subaru, physically and spiritually, in the truest sense — had taught him that much.
What Subaru could do. What Subaru needed to do.
"——kun!"
His gaze, cleared of all doubt, locked onto its target, and the foot that struck the ground was powerful.
His body felt light. Freed from every ounce of the weight pressing on his heart, there was nothing left for Subaru to fear.
"Subaru-kun, please listen!"
He pulled her arm along, and at the bottom of the slope, the main street opened up — the widest road in the entire
Upon reaching a familiar stretch of road, Subaru's momentum only grew. His eagerness showed in his breathing, his stride, the spring in his body.
He suddenly stepped into shadow and looked up at what had blocked the sunlight.
Above, filling his entire field of vision, were the city walls surrounding the Royal Capital, and the main gate connecting inside to outside — the gap in those walls. He had been told once that the inscription carved at the top was a combination of "Ha script" and "Ro script," which he still couldn't read, and that it said "Royal Capital Lugnica."
In other words, Subaru's — no, the two of them were now standing at the main gate of the Royal Capital — "——Subaru-kun!"
The steps that had been following him of their own accord stopped, and the arm she had been holding was forcibly wrenched free. With that connection broken, even Subaru had no choice but to halt.
He stopped and turned around. Rem stood there, her eyes trembling with confusion.
"What's going on? What happened? You have to explain, or else — "
She brought her left hand to her right wrist, the one Subaru had been gripping, her body shrinking slightly as she made her plea.
Hearing her words, Subaru understood that her bewilderment was entirely natural. From her perspective, he had abruptly changed his behavior and dragged her along. The entire way here without a single word of explanation — of course she'd be upset.
"Yeah, sorry, Rem. I've been kind of panicking about everything. Tons of stuff I had to, you know, think through. So I skipped the explanation. My bad."
"You're making this really difficult. Rem knows you're worrying about all sorts of things, Subaru-kun, but you still need to tell me at least one thing. …Rem doesn't mind being dragged along, though."
Rem pressed both hands to her cheeks, which were faintly tinged with red, and let out a sigh of relief.
She must have heard the composure returning to Subaru's voice and decided that his strange behavior up to now had been nothing more than a slight overreaction.
Looking at her relief, he could understand her concern. The change in Subaru immediately after "Return by Death" — having experienced only a few seconds of it — must have been truly dramatic for Rem.
The fact was, between her and Subaru lay a difference in accumulated experience: "a few seconds" versus "several days."
And Subaru had stacked those "several days" three times over to create this present moment. Moreover, now that he looked back calmly, his inner turmoil during this period had been so bleak it was almost something he wanted to turn away from.
He had humiliated himself at the Royal Selection. He had been half-killed by Julius at the training grounds. He had created an irreparable rift with Emilia. He had been abandoned in the Royal Capital, stripped of any sense of purpose.
While idling away time at Crusch's mansion, searching endlessly for answers that wouldn't come — what could he do, what must he do — That Subaru's confusion had cleared suddenly — literally in the blink of an eye — must have seemed like a bolt from the blue to Rem.
"Sorry for worrying you. I'm okay now. I feel like all I've been showing you is the pathetic side of me, getting kicked down and kicked around, but I finally figured it out."
"No. Thinking about Subaru-kun isn't a burden for Rem. …You finally figured it out?"
The Subaru speaking to her with eyes cleared of doubt received her reply in a bright, buoyant voice.
Being able to exchange words like this again — it had truly been too long, and Subaru couldn't hide the small joy welling up inside him.
Then, following up on the question at the end of her words, Subaru nodded with an "yeah."
"I worried myself sick, lost my way, caused trouble for everyone, and honestly I still feel terrible about that, but I finally found a way to settle things. Actually, now that I think about it, the answer was there from the beginning — people had even told me. But I'm too stubborn to quit, so…"
"That's what makes Subaru-kun wonderful, though… "
Rem's words trailed off softly, and Subaru managed a bitter smile.
Then he looked up at the sky, pouring its vastness and height into the depths of his eyes. The world, which had watched over him unchangingly, must have found these times unbearably frustrating.
But he could finally put an end to even those agonizing times.
The answer had been right in front of him all along.
No matter where Subaru went, no matter what recklessness he attempted, no matter how foolishly he behaved — she had followed behind him without a single word of complaint.
Yes — "I've made up my mind, Rem."
He gazed straight into the eyes of the girl standing within arm's reach.
Blue hair swaying in the wind to her shoulders, her clear eyes reflecting Subaru back at him.
The black-based apron dress enveloping her petite frame was free of any unnecessary ornamentation, embodying her noble character. The white prim adorning the top of her blue hair stood dignified, and her small, neatly arranged features gave the adorable girl's visage a delicate finish.
"Yes, Subaru-kun."
Lips the color of peach blossoms traced a smile, and her narrowed eyes drew a gentle arc.
The sweetness of her voice brimmed with an affection that could melt his brain, and for Subaru — about to speak just a single word — it seeped in with an utterly intoxicating quality.
"First, let's borrow a dragon carriage. The reception area's a bit crowded with all the Royal Selection business, but the slot after noon tomorrow still has time, so I think there should be openings sooner."
He needed someone fast. Someone with stamina.
He needed to keep running. Day or night, light on his feet, without rest.
"A dragon carriage…?"
Rem tilted her head and repeated the word from Subaru's mouth.
What floated in her eyes was bewilderment — the conclusion of Subaru's rapid-fire talk was moving too far ahead for her to see.
But Subaru, as if oblivious to her confusion, gestured toward the gate with his hand.
"While we're picking out a dragon carriage, we might lose time, so you might as well use any free time to stock up on food and whatever else. Ah, I'm not good with portable rations that are all dry and crumbly. I'd rather just drink water than eat that stuff."
In his old world, there had been a class under the name of "experiential learning" where they actually tasted preserved food and simple portable rations — and in Subaru's book, both received a flat "no thanks." A memory he'd rather not revisit.
With how developed seasoning was in his original world, the taste of preserved food in this one was beyond unreliable.
"Well, but then again, there's a slim possibility that some kind of magical effect could make preserved food taste good…!? I did manage to make mayonnaise, after all, so maybe the spirit of 'try it before you knock it' is alive and well…"
"Um, Subaru-kun?"
"Huh? Oh, sorry, my thoughts went off in a weird direction. What's up?"
He corrected his train of thought as it had started to veer off course, and looked at Rem with a gentle smile — even bending slightly to meet the girl's eyes.
At his earnest, attentive demeanor, Rem went quiet for just a moment, then quivered her lips as if shaking off her hesitation.
"I… I'm sorry. Rem isn't perceptive enough, so I don't understand what Subaru-kun is trying to do. Um, what are you…?"
"Oh! Right, sorry! Sorry, I totally didn't realize! No, I was already in full planning mode — talking about what to do, laying out the schedule. Embarrassing!"
He slapped his knee and laughed off his own oversight with an easy grin.
Then, after laughing himself out over his blunder: "Let's see — I was forced to realize certain things, and I came to understand certain others, and through various circumstances I've ended up here, but the answer's been there for ages, hasn't it."
A bitter smile — a proper, bitter smile.
He had tasted bile. He had chewed on regret. He had shed tears at the world's irrationality and indifference, toyed by a cruel fate until he was coated in his own blood and the blood of others.
And now, he knew clearly what the answer to all of it was.
"Rem."
He spoke the girl's name and slowly extended his hand toward her.
Rem looked at the outstretched hand, waiting for Subaru's next words. In answer to her posture, Subaru sent the welling feelings up his tongue and — "Run away with me. As far as we can."
It was a clear declaration of his defeat against fate.
※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ "…Eh?"
Perhaps unable to grasp the meaning of his words, all that escaped Rem's throat was a faint, hoarse breath.
Finding her reaction only natural, Subaru shook his head.
"I'm going to leave the Royal Capital and head west… or possibly north. I heard the Empire to the south is off-limits, so those are the only two options. I hate the cold, so personally I'd push for west."
"Um, no, well…"
"The distance is pretty vague too, and we're basically making this up as we go, so it won't be an easy trip. Oh, and what if there's no way to return the dragon carriage? Would it be better to buy it outright rather than rent one?"
He assumed the system worked something like a rental service, but this was unfamiliar territory for Subaru, who hadn't reached the age to get a driver's license. He hadn't accompanied Rem the last time she rented a carriage either, so he had no idea what kind of paperwork was involved.
The shop owners surely wouldn't do business without considering the possibility of someone simply riding off with their carriages, so some reasonable terms must be in place, but — "Pl-please wait!"
Rem cut in, stopping Subaru mid-thought.
With her palm still facing him, she wore an uncharacteristic look of agitation.
"Run away… what does that mean? The way you're talking, Subaru-kun, it sounds like you're planning to leave Lugnica entirely…"
She ventured the guess in a tone that couldn't quite hide her disbelief, then let out a small "ah" and brightened slightly.
"Could it be that you've thought up something amazing again? Something that will help Emilia-sama and Roswaal-sama, something like that…?"
"Nothing like that, Rem."
"Wha — "
She reached out — clinging to the hope that Subaru's true intentions matched what she wanted them to be. In her eyes, she was painting a picture of a future she desperately wanted to believe in.
But Subaru gently shook his head and denied it clearly.
"I told you. I'm going to run away. If I stay in the Royal Capital, I'm useless. And going back to the mansion wouldn't change that helplessness. — That's what I finally understood."
The helplessness, the emptiness, the world's cruel indifference — all of it had weighed on Subaru's body like lead.
But the moment he stopped trying to deny it and accepted it as an immutable fact — what lightness his body must have felt.
"So come with me, Rem. We can't stay here. Everyone, every single person, kept telling me that. I didn't want to accept it, and I fought desperately to deny it, but… yeah. That's right. I was weak. Nobody needed me at all."
He'd been full of himself.
He'd been deluded. He'd gotten the wrong idea and let it go to his head.
He'd fallen into another world, been given the power to redo his fate — and because things had gone well twice, he'd ended up believing he could save people.
When he didn't have the strength, the feelings, or even the right to help anyone.
"That's…"
"Not an exaggeration. I was told it flat out. — I was told it over and over."
*We don't need someone like you.* In the first world, Subaru had ignored Emilia's wishes and stormed out of Crusch's mansion. He hadn't listened to Rem's words of restraint, and the result of inviting that outcome was the great catastrophe.
In the second world, he hadn't even begun to pay for the consequences of creating that scene. He'd fled reality, only to have Rem's life end in spectacular fashion — and once again, he saved no one.
The third world produced the most abominable outcome of all. He had involved a traveling merchant along the way, Rem had been swallowed by the
If he could go back even further — to days where redo was no longer possible — to the Royal Selection at the Royal Castle — even there, he couldn't do a single thing to support Emilia.
Not only had he failed to stand beside her, but he had opened his mouth, held her back, and when he tried to make up for it, he was thoroughly beaten by the knight of another candidate. In the end, he had quarreled with Emilia and thrown words at her that he never intended to, hurting her.
"…Kuh."
He felt a dry laugh crack in his throat.
Looking back, it was a masterpiece. He could clearly perceive, upon calmly reviewing his own actions and thoughts, what a walking disaster he'd been.
——Want to be of use to Emilia? Surely I, of all people, can save someone? If I'm not here, everyone will fall apart for certain?
What utter delusion. What utter self-deception. Ah, what arrogance.
All Subaru had done was worsen Emilia's position, betray the heart of a girl who had considered his feelings, and get Rem killed every single time he followed her.
Amazing — everyone must have known this was how it would turn out.
That was why everyone told Subaru to stay put. To do nothing. That his power wasn't needed. To step aside. To disappear.
Everyone around Subaru had understood the future far better. They knew — yet he couldn't do anything, couldn't grasp it, couldn't understand. What a vast difference.
Could it be that everyone else was the one looping?
"Otherwise, who'd put on a pathetic show like mine…"
It was miserable. He had never felt so wretched, so utterly beyond saving.
A clown is a clown because they knowingly put themselves out there to be laughed at. But Subaru, who hadn't even been self-aware that the audience was pointing and laughing — he wasn't even a clown. Just a hopeless fool.
"So I've decided to disappear. That's the right thing. It's fine. No matter what I do, it's just one more corpse — or in the worst case, even more."
Corpse. Corpse. Corpse. Corpse. Corpse.
A stranger's corpse. An acquaintance's corpse. A precious someone's corpse. A dear someone's corpse. Someone he had believed in's corpse. Someone he had wanted to believe in's corpse. — Everyone's corpses.
He was sick of it.
Why did he have to go through this? He had suffered enough — surely he deserved some reward? He knew as well as anyone that the idea that effort always pays off, or that any goal can be achieved if you set your mind to it, was nothing more than a fairy tale.
But even so — was it really wrong to wish, even in some small way, to avert the worst?
"Let's run, Rem. You and I — we can't stay here. We can't stay in this country."
Throwing everything away, scorning it all, Subaru made his resolve to flee.
And on that escape — on that decision that would earn him blame from all quarters — he wanted to take the girl before him. Rem alone.
Even as he tried to throw everything away, there was something he could not let go of.
Loneliness was terrifying. Loneliness was dreadful. Even knowing that in this vast world, this world shrouded in darkness where nothing made sense, it was the right thing to do — the fear of shedding all shelter and running alone was too much to bear.
So he had this hope: that she, Rem alone, might come with him.
In all the days of repetition, she had stayed by his side. His ugly displays, his disgraceful words and deeds, his misguided way of living — she had witnessed it all with him.
It was precisely because she was her that Subaru believed she was worth betting on one last time.
In the looping time, three times over, in every world, Subaru had gotten Rem killed.
To prevent that — he must not return to the mansion. Even if he reached the mansion, or even along the way, she would meet a gruesome end.
Then should he keep her in the Royal Capital? That wouldn't work either. If word of the situation at
And surely, Subaru couldn't stop her if that happened. He would be left behind at the Crusch mansion alone, only to hear the full account after it was all over.
He could see it clearly — a vision of himself, having lost everything, left hollow and empty.
To save Rem, Rem must not learn of anything.
If he truly wanted to save her, he could not stay here.
"I can't just… suddenly… you can't just suddenly tell Rem…"
面对 Subaru's plea, Rem gently shook her head.
It looked like a gesture of denial, but in truth it expressed her hesitation.
Subaru's argument was too sudden for her to digest. Above all, the amount of information he was offering was far too small for her to make a judgment.
She was being told to abandon everything and flee — of course she couldn't just nod along.
But even understanding how unreasonable he was being, Subaru still needed to bring Rem around.
He no longer knew how much information he could offer.
Anything he said felt as though it might trigger the
Any action he took seemed destined to make him a victim of fate's cruel hand.
He was cornered. Every path was blocked. He had been trapped in fate's dead end.
So all Subaru could do was plead. To appeal to her conscience, over and over. Even while understanding how cowardly that was — even while knowing he was exploiting the dependency she felt toward him.
"There's no time. I know springing this on you is terrible. Truly, truly. From the bottom of my heart, I know I'm wrong. …But please, choose."
"Choose… "
"Me or not me… please choose."
With so little information to go on — information delivered so abruptly — he hated himself for the cowardice of forcing this choice on her, hated the pressure of the situation.
But giving Rem time to think carefully would also be disadvantageous, and Subaru couldn't deny that he was exploiting the situation to his own benefit.
With limited time to decide, and with Subaru — the object of her dependence — pleading right in front of her, what kind of judgment would Rem make? — He had a chance.
A chance — or perhaps it was a hope closer to a desperate wish.
That Rem, she alone, might forgive Subaru's fall, his escape.
"Let's get a dragon carriage and head west. Leave Lugnica, go all the way west… to
Rapidly, Subaru began describing the future he envisioned.
It was an ordinary, gentle future — one that should have been free of irrationality and cruelty.
"I'd have to get money from Roswaal, which is rough, but I could just say I'm borrowing it and pay it back someday. Once we get our footing, I'll get a proper job and work hard. …I've never actually worked, but I'll be fine."
Less than a high school graduate, plus a shut-in.
A born indoor creature who had never even held a part-time job. His labor since arriving in the other world amounted to light housework at best — practically child's play.
Landing a proper job would be next to impossible, he figured, but he would gnaw his way into something somehow. Compared to pain, compared to hardship, compared to dying — it was a cakewalk.
The more he thought about it, the more open his future seemed.
Compared to the days of clawing and struggling toward a single future while inviting the worst possible catastrophe — this was happiness.
"As long as I'm living modestly, with you there, I'll surely manage. Just knowing someone's waiting for me at home with a smile — if I knew Rem would be there waiting, no matter how tired I was, I could surely…!"
Even if he ended up being pointed at by every person he had left behind — if Rem was by his side, he was sure he could endure it.
So please, please — he had no more wishes beyond this — "Choose me… please…!"
He strained the words out, hand still extended, pleading.
"If you choose me, I'll give you everything. My whole life will be yours. I'll devote myself to you, live only for you… so please — "
He couldn't look at Rem's face, standing right in front of him.
He didn't have the courage to see what expression she wore. He had not a shred of courage left. If he had, he was sure things would have turned out differently.
Because he was cowardly, spineless, and pathetic — and there was nothing left in him.
"Run away with me… live with me… please…!"
From the bottom of his heart, he begged that she alone not die.
He spilled out the full weight of his feelings in a parched, ragged voice, his heartbeat racing, his breathing harsh.
The exhaustion of an all-out sprint and the spiritual devastation of being beaten down assailed him fiercely. And then — pressing down on Subaru in silence — came time itself.
Rem gave no answer.
The bustle of the crowd had faded into the distance, and what anyone passing by might think of the two of them having such a conversation in public — such trivialities failed to enter his consciousness at all.
Unable to bear it, Subaru cracked open his tightly shut eyes, stealing a glance at Rem's expression.
Or rather — bracing himself for the possibility that the answer might already be written there.
"————"
In silence — seemingly unaware that Subaru was watching her — Rem pressed her lips together.
Her expression seemed to be striving for composure, yet a subtle strain showed between her brows and at the corners of her eyes, unable to maintain its usual calm.
Hesitation, confusion, indecision — all churning within her.
He knew that every word Subaru had just spoken was shaking her heart — powerfully, violently.
The silence stretched on.
Or perhaps time that felt like eternity was pressing a scorching impatience against Subaru's back.
But eventually, that time too came to an end.
"——Subaru-kun."
Gently, a voice brimming with compassion called Subaru's name.
The instant he heard that voice — that tremor — Subaru was certain his plea had reached her.
She would accept him. She would forgive his weakness, and with it, embrace the person called Natsuki Subaru as a whole.
A flood of emotion surged up. For the first time, he felt that something had been rewarded.
And Subaru raised his face — "I cannot run away with Subaru-kun."
Rem, her face twisted in deep sorrow, had clearly and unmistakably refused his plea.
"Because — "
"————"
"The future… you're supposed to talk about the future with a smile, aren't you?"
With an expression caught between laughter and tears, Rem repeated words that Subaru himself had once spoken.