"So, would you be willing to tell this old bald monk?"
"What is it you wish to know?"
"About the benefactor's hell."
"…"
Gakjeong didn't urge me, didn't press me—he simply gazed at me steadily.
But that only made it feel as though he could see straight through to my very core, and a strange tension coiled within me.
My hell, is it.
Of course I know it well.
Even now, if I were to push the Crazy Wolf Life-Stealing Art to its extreme, the scene from that day would surface.
The smell of burning brushing past my nose. The crimson flames flickering in my vision. And the blood—far redder than any of it.
Words I never got to say. Before a single flower blooming on a bed of death, what was it I had resolved?
These are the things I relive every time I fight in earnest, every time I grasp the sensation of Sword-Mind Unity.
Of course, it no longer torments me as it once did.
Because when I struck down the Lord of the Black Heaven Sword Gate, the lingering attachments from before my regression were settled in full.
The Simma no longer festers within me as it used to. The killing intent I hold for the past no longer grows more vicious.
However, that is not to say I have completely forgotten and only happy memories remain.
It has merely become a thing of the past—it has not become something that never happened.
The regrets and mistakes of bygone days still loom large behind my back.
And so, even if it is a past matter, it remains a weighty and sensitive topic for me.
It is not the kind of story one easily shares with someone one has only met a few times. And yet…
Gakjeong revealed his own shame, his own inner turmoil, to me first.
Judging by Jeonghyeon's reaction, even his disciple had not known of this.
It is harder than one might think to ignore someone who approaches with sincerity and pretend not to see them.
After all, wasn't all of this ultimately born from a desire to understand the nature of the Heavenly Killing Star and to prevent others from repeating the same tragedy?
Gakjeong had already figured out the cycle of the Heavenly Killing Star's appearances. If he could even create an Oral Formula to control its killing intent…
He might be able to prevent the great calamity that would befall the Diancang Sect in a few years with minimal damage.
And the greater my influence grew within the Orthodox Sects' martial world, the more weight my argument for joining hands with the Black Alliance to oppose the Demonic Cult would carry.
Only after finishing that line of thought did I open my mouth.
"I…"
Thump!
The moment I uttered the first word, a heavy resonance spread from the vicinity of my heart, and my voice was cut off against my will.
A sensation followed, as if something was gripping my heart.
The damn seal had activated. And this time, it was a little stronger than usual.
"…Benefactor? Are you alright?"
I forced a nod toward Gakjeong, who asked with concern after sensing something amiss, and only then did the seal's backlash subside.
I kept my mouth shut for a moment and thought about what the problem had been.
It was true that it concerned events before my regression, but why would speaking of my personal history—something there was no way to verify—constitute a condition for revealing the fact of my regression?
The answer came faster than I expected.
If Gakjeong could reach a similar conclusion on his own even if I hid the fact that it concerned events before my regression… then the seal's stronger-than-usual reaction made sense.
Gakjeong had only lost his internal energy; the enlightenment and insight he had accumulated, along with the decades of study he had built by holding scriptures instead of fists, remained intact…
But I couldn't understand how that led him to the conclusion of my regression.
At any rate, since I understood the situation now, all I had to do was respond accordingly.
I chose my words carefully, weaving them together so as not to trigger the seal—more precisely, so that explaining my hell to Gakjeong wouldn't lead him to the conclusion of regression.
"My hell ultimately stems from loss."
"Loss?"
"Yes. It was a loss that occurred in a place I could do nothing about, and even the one I could have taken my grudge out on was lost as well. So the emotions that had nowhere to go turned toward myself, rather than anyone else."
"A sad affair, yet also a common one."
"All the more so in the martial world."
That was true. To me, it was an experience that felt like someone was gouging out my heart… but in the martial world, where karmic debts were tangled and ambiguous, such things happened all too often.
It was simply that the martial world's ruthlessness had come for me as well.
"But you, Benefactor Cheon, carry a killing intent that cannot even be compared to others in similar circumstances. Why do you think that is?"
"…Because I have decided not to forget."
Even at this very moment, countless people were losing their families, losing their friends, losing their lovers.
It could be because someone harmed them, or because they were unlucky enough to fall ill, or because they starved to death after all their grain was seized.
But not everyone who loses someone precious around them becomes like me.
Some set aside a grave in a corner of their heart and visit it whenever they think of it, and some wandered lost for a time, yet were ultimately able to return to their daily lives.
The reason is simple.
Time.
Time, piling up like snow, must have buried the pain of the past.
If it were real snow, one could at least clear it away, but time cannot do even that, so in the end the wound is covered, and that is what we call healing.
"But I could not bring myself to do that."
Seomun Hwa-rin told me to forget, but I did not want to.
"Indeed, I have engraved it into my mind. So that I might not forget. So that I might recall it vividly at any moment."
"I understand. You have not resolved to fall into hell—you have resolved to create your own hell."
"Precisely."
"Having become the master of your own hell, you are also the master of the killing intent that springs from it… In the end, what matters is who holds the reins. So rather than suppressing the killing intent blindly, you accept it, acknowledge it, and wield it according to your own will… Hmm. Going around in circles, it all comes back to 'all conditioned things are impermanent' and 'all dharmas are without self.' But to accept it without discernment…"
Gakjeong muttered endlessly to himself. After a long while of soliloquy, he finally seemed to have sorted out his thoughts, nodding and letting out a deep sigh.
"Hoo…"
"Was that the answer you sought?"
"Of course. Your method is to willingly take on ascetic suffering oneself, so I cannot call it a particularly good one… but regardless, knowing that it is possible is help enough."
"I am aware that ascetic practices are generally preferred by Buddhist disciples."
"Asceticism is not the path to enlightenment."
"But I have heard that the Buddha attained enlightenment after his ascetic practices."
"Kkeul-kkeul. I never knew the benefactor was so interested in the Buddha's teachings."
Gakjeong laughed pleasantly and continued with eyes full of goodwill.
"Indeed, Shakyamuni attained enlightenment after six years of asceticism, but it was not thanks to the asceticism itself—rather, he attained enlightenment upon realizing that asceticism does not lead to enlightenment."
"…The word 'enlightenment' appears so many times that it's a bit difficult to follow."
"To put it simply, it's not that he embraced his own hell in order to wield vast killing intent as freely as his own limbs, but in the end, the result was similar to having done so."
"It's a relief that the martial arts talk was at least easy to understand."
As I let out a snort and nodded, Gakjeong slowly rose from his seat.
"Since the Sect Leader's story is finished, it's now this monk's turn. Is there anything you're curious about?"
"Plenty. So much that I don't even know where to begin."
"Speak slowly. When one grows old, one's night vision dims, so I must return before the sun sets… but until then, this monk will answer you with all his heart."
What weighed on my mind most was, of course, the martial arts. In particular, the monstrous strength displayed by a body without even a single wisp of internal energy, and the strangely supple movements.
But what came out of my mouth was a completely different question.
"Great Master Gakjeong, do you believe that the Heavenly Killing Star… that an unopposable fate can be twisted?"
The Heavenly Killing Star is so bizarre in nature, showing no sign of principle or cure, that it is called a fate rather than a constitution.
From the moment it was named after a star in the sky, rather than something related to the human body like a blocked meridian or severed vessel, one can feel the resignation of the one who first discovered the Heavenly Killing Star.
However, Great Master Gakjeong seeks to overturn this.
I know well the heart that challenges the impossible. Someday I will face the Heavenly Demon, and the time will come when I must raise my sword against that incomprehensible martial might.
It would be a lie to say I am not afraid.
The reason I train so diligently, experience whatever I can, and chase the threads of enlightenment is all because I fear the Heavenly Demon's strength that transcends the mortal realm.
And I believe Gakjeong feels this fear and helplessness similarly.
Though he has achieved some results of his own, the Heavenly Killing Star must still remain an incomprehensible thing.
If I am to press forward nonetheless, is my resolve the same as his? And if it differs, how so?
Perhaps it is because the seal prevents me from speaking of this unease to anyone.
Without realizing it, I found myself curious about Gakjeong's thoughts—he who walks a similar path ahead of me.
At my question, Gakjeong's eyes widened. After a brief silence, as if gathering his thoughts, he spoke.
"I cannot be certain. I can only hope and do my best."
"Ah…"
Even as I showed my disappointment, Gakjeong continued in a calm voice.
"Have you ever heard the name Angulimala?"
"No. This is my first time hearing it."
"He was a notorious Slaughter Ghost, and the name of the one whom Shakyamuni took in as a disciple. He tried to kill a hundred people to attain enlightenment, and in truth he killed ninety-nine before attempting to slay his own aged mother as the final one."
"…Isn't he an utterly heinous man? I cannot understand why such a person was accepted as a disciple."
"Angulimala, who was about to commit an act of filial impiety, was stopped in his tracks, and through the dharma talk he was made to repent his own sins. What is so difficult about accepting him as a disciple? …This monk believes that Angulimala was the Heavenly Killing Star of ages long past."
"Pardon?"
"It is said that the one who was Angulimala's master deceived him, telling him that to attain enlightenment he must kill a hundred people and make a prayer beads from their fingers… But no matter how simple-hearted a person may be, he could not truly believe he would attain enlightenment through such a method."
He must have realized midway that he had been deceived. Even so, he could not stop, because he had been driven mad by the killing intent of the Heavenly Killing Star — that was Gakjeong's interpretation.
"Well. The detailed story would grow long, so I shall omit it and speak of the main point. Angulimala's anecdote is a record that perfectly matches the Blood Calamity of the Heavenly Killing Star that has occurred in the Central Plains thus far. The one difference is…"
"So Angulimala repented of his sins and reformed in the end. Unlike the other Heavenly Killing Stars."
"Correct. Though this humble monk cannot compare to the Buddha… still, if I know it is possible, then it means I might one day find that method."
Even if it was impossible for himself, if the next person, and the person after that, did not give up and kept researching, then surely human devotion would reach the heavens — that was Gakjeong's belief.
"I do not know whether you will believe me, benefactor Cheon, but this humble monk has already achieved some results based on the story of Angulimala and the records of the past Heavenly Killing Stars. One is that the time of a Heavenly Killing Star's appearance can be inferred through the Celestial Palace."
The Celestial Palace. So he meant that by reading the constellations, one could determine when a Heavenly Killing Star would appear.
In the end, I could not prove it, but I know Gakjeong was right.
Because a Heavenly Killing Star actually appeared a few years later.
"And the other is that the complete awakening of a Heavenly Killing Star requires the death of someone close to them. …Perhaps for Jeongsim, this monk's death was such a catalyst, and for Angulimala, his mother's death was."
Gakjeong let out a hearty laugh and continued.
"I've read the scriptures on Angulimala, the only successful case, over and over, searching for what could be done by the hands of a mortal rather than a Buddha… but with this monk's mind, I simply cannot figure it out."
"So that is why you said you could only do your best, not be certain?"
"Indeed. Even the scriptures I went to the trouble of sending someone all the way to Tianzhu to retrieve contained what seems at first glance to be a nonsensical saying—that it would be easier with the help of one who heads toward yesterday rather than tomorrow."
"…"
His casually thrown words struck me like a blow to the back of the head, leaving my mind reeling.
The seal, which had been reacting more sensitively than usual.
And one who heads toward yesterday, not tomorrow.
It wasn't difficult to associate the word "regression" with these two things.