— There is a darkness. Black, dark, far, deep, long, heavy, bitter.
"————"
It was as if every foul thing in this world had been mashed together into one wretched mass — that suffocating, suffocating darkness clung to his entire body.
His face, his body, his limbs, every patch of skin was contaminated by that darkness, and a relentless, festering discomfort seeped through, as though blood was oozing from every pore, crying out in thirst.
Imagine it — as though your entire body, without a single spot spared, was encrusted in scabs.
The skin was taut and stiff; touch it and the sensation that came back was nothing like human skin. And the fingertips that touched those scabs were themselves coated in scabs, so the true shape of what he had been — his original form — was completely unknowable.
— No, what he could no longer recognize was not merely his outward appearance.
"————"
Something deeper — should he call it his essence?
Or perhaps this should simply be called his "soul."
He had lost sight of the shape and nature of his own soul, wandered in endless, hopeless confusion, and only now did it feel as though a finger had finally brushed against a single fragment of it.
The response that came back to that finger was the aforementioned scabs. So even if it could not be called futile, the anxiety and revulsion were beyond words. Was it truly all right to keep pulling at this thread?
"————"
Was what he sought really waiting on the other side?
And when he reached it, what if a completely different "himself" had begun? It was a strange notion, but not at all impossible. In truth, what had happened to him carried precisely that kind of abrupt, unreal quality.
He accepted it as his own affair, acknowledged it as a trial that had visited him, and then pursued the sight that lay beyond overcoming it. — How much time had he spent on just that?
"————"
So the anxiety was fierce.
Was it really all right, this place he had arrived at? Was the place he had accepted, embraced, and truly sought actually there?
The "self" he had entrusted to, believed in, forgiven, wished for, and tried to become — was it there?
*—I love you.* — Even that indescribable anxiety was dissolved by the guiding voice, and faded away.
"————"
— White, bright, lofty, precious, beautiful, sweet, reaching toward the light.
That soul —
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ In an instant, consciousness was drawn up from the bottom of a deep, languid sleep, and Natsuki Subaru awakened.
"——Ah."
Weakly, the first breath escaped his lips.
It was terribly hoarse and lacked any vigor, but it was unmistakably his own voice. That confirmed he had not been reincarnated as some single-celled organism incapable of speech.
That was one step forward. All that remained was to quickly confirm that he was not some being with an entirely new set of values, and then— "—Subaru, are you awake?"
"————"
The voice that brushed against Subaru's eardrums from close by was silver-bell clear.
Cool and gentle, calm yet resolute, radiant, and — endearing. It was a voice that, even in the wretched state he had been in just moments ago, he had somehow been hearing.
And hearing it now made his heart leap. His chest ached, and Subaru slowly turned his gaze sideways, enduring the pounding.
"————"
— And there, her eyes brimming with gentle concern, the deep violet radiance waited.
"…
"Yes, that's right. Subaru, are you all right? Can you get up? Can you talk properly?"
"Um…"
Hearing his name fumbled out, the owner of those violet eyes — Emilia — softened her lips and tilted her head. Long, beautiful silver hair cascaded over her pale, graceful shoulders. It was almost as though moonlight was swimming elegantly through the air, and the breathtaking beauty of it seared Subaru's heart.
— To put it bluntly, a beautiful girl who seemed impossible to belong to this world was right there.
"U—Ah…"
The instant he became conscious of it, blood flooded Subaru's cheeks with tremendous force.
His face grew hot, his face turned red, his eyes swam, and no voice came out. His ears burned with congestion, and a flustered "Wha—, wha—…" escaped.
"Wha—?"
Emilia knit her perfectly shaped brows at his violently flustered state. Even that tiny gesture held a separate kind of stirring, like two masterworks by a once-in-a-lifetime painter seen side by side.
To witness it this close — close enough to feel her breath — while the pounding, inseparable from pain, beat ever higher and stronger, was agonizing for Subaru.
"————"
What was this? What on earth was this?
Was this reality? Was it not some phantom with weight to it? In a desert, a mirage always shows you an oasis — that is, the thing you desire most at that moment.
If that rule applied, then wasn't this a mirage? What a luxurious phantom— "A—Are you really all right, Subaru? I knew it — you must still be feeling off. You collapsed, after all."
"Hya—!"
"See? You just went 'hya'!"
Subaru was at the peak of confusion, but when a smooth, slender palm was placed on his forehead, his shoulders trembled.
Seeing that, Emilia blinked, now certain Subaru was unwell. On Subaru's end, the "Emilia-is-a-mirage" theory had just been denied — and he felt rather like a scholar watching the geocentric model topple.
Still, the sensation of her touch had been real. Her existence was affirmed by reality.
And if the real Emilia was speaking to him, then his own identity as Natsuki Subaru was affirmed too.
More than anything— "—You've been ignoring
"——!"
From Emilia's opposite side came a petulant, childish voice, and he turned.
What filled his vision as he turned was a small girl puffing her cheeks adorably— "Beatrice…"
"You sound so pathetic again… It's like you can't believe that precious Betty is right here or something."
Hearing his feeble call, Beatrice let her eyebrows droop in a troubled way. The words themselves were scolding, but the tone was thick with worry and relief.
Relief that Subaru had awakened, and concern over the fact that he had lost consciousness in the first place — Beatrice's attitude betrayed both. No, it was her very presence that moved Subaru's heart.
In other words— "Nya—!?"
Still wearing her composed expression, Beatrice was seized by Subaru, who pulled her slight body into his chest in one swift motion. Light. She was truly light.
Unable to resist the sudden movement, Beatrice's eyes went round as Subaru enveloped her completely in his arms. On the vine-woven green bed, Subaru held her tight with all his strength, confirming her presence.
"Beatrice, Beatrice, Beatriceeeee!"
"W-W-W-What is it!? What's wrong!? Isn't this too sudden!?"
"You… you've got such a calm face! It's like the cuteness of someone returning home. I'm absolutely smitten."
"Surely you don't mean that as a compliment!?"
Hugging Beatrice and gazing at her face, Subaru declared earnestly. Beet-red at his actions and words, Beatrice clapped her small palms against Subaru's cheeks.
The girl's tiny fingers caught on his ears and cheeks, and Subaru — savoring the cute little pain — felt Beatrice's real existence in this place with absolute certainty.
"Oh honestly! Subaru, don't start goofing around the second you wake up! We still don't even know why you collapsed…"
Seeing Subaru carrying on while hugging Beatrice, Emilia — feeling slightly left out — chimed in.
Concerned for Subaru, Emilia gently reached for his shoulder, but stopped.
"—Subaru?"
More worry than anger filled Emilia's voice. And the emotion threaded through that voice shifted entirely into concern. Her eyes widened in surprise as they fixed on the shoulder she had been about to touch.
Subaru's shoulders, faintly trembling, choked with sobs.
"…Ugh…"
"Subaru? Subaru, what's wrong? Betty is right here. It's okay, it's okay. You don't have to cry."
Noticing Subaru choking on his own voice, Beatrice cleared the confusion from her face and gently brushed the tears from Subaru's cheek.
His hands, trembling in small shudders, refused to let go of Beatrice's small, childish body. Beatrice understood that it came from anxiety and fear.
And so Beatrice spoke softly, as though calling out to Subaru's heart.
You don't have to cry. I'm here. You'll be all right, Subaru.
"Don't cry, Subaru. There's no need to rush. Just take a slow, deep breath and calm down. Beatrice and I — we're right here with you."
Like Beatrice, Emilia too comforted Subaru where he lay on the bed.
With the hands that had hesitated to touch him before, she now touched his shoulder without hesitation, and Emilia's silver-bell voice honored Natsuki Subaru's actions, his decisions.
"————"
The two of them — their very existence, their way of being — had not changed.
In a world where everything had crumbled, been lost, and become irretrievable, they had still prioritized Subaru over themselves, and they had remained dignified even in the face of death. And they had not changed.
Having confirmed that, having sought it, Subaru was now — this time for certain — going to see it through.
Natsuki Subaru would, as "Natsuki Subaru," reclaim everything— "I came… back…"
His voice was choked with sobs, his attitude thoroughly pathetic — it could not have been more wretched, more wretched a situation.
— And Natsuki Subaru began a new loop to reclaim everything he had lost.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ "So, long story short, apparently I dropped my memories in the library of 'Taylor's.' I'm really sorry if I've been saying things that don't line up in conversation — I hope you can bear with me."
"————"
At the breakfast table, seated in a circle with his companions, Subaru made that announcement and bowed his head politely.
This bombshell — or rather, carpet-bombing of a statement — drew various reactions from everyone. That said, the strongest one was confusion; dismay and grief would come later.
"I'm sure everyone's terribly worried about Subaru. But if we don't keep it together, the one who'll be the most anxious is Subaru himself…"
"…That may be what Emilia-sama says."
Standing beside the bowing Subaru, Emilia offered support with a troubled expression.
But the one who regarded Emilia's words with suspicion was
"Ram doesn't see the most anxious one as Barusu at all. More to the point — what kind of farce is this, Barusu?"
"It's not a farce. I'm being completely honest about my anxiety and the facts. If I'd clammed up and refused to talk, you can just imagine the tragedy that would've followed — my heart was about to burst."
"————"
At Subaru's sour response, Ram's gaze grew even more skeptical.
Emilia, who had already heard the full story in the green room ahead of time, reacted with flustered concern to the tense exchange between the two. Having been told about the "memory loss," she and Beatrice had been shaken but had accepted it out of concern for Subaru — just as before. This time, the arrangement was the same, and she had been asked to back him up during this confession.
— Having retired halfway through that harrowing loop, Natsuki Subaru had now entered a new one.
Put more heroically, he had resolved to start his life in this other world from zero once more — though in reality, the situation was nothing that admirable.
He had steeled himself, yes, but at the moment he faced "death," it was entirely possible that it was over.
That it had not ended this way — that through "Return by Death" he had been given another chance to start over — honestly, he could not suppress his relief and gratitude. — But he had absolutely no intention of relying on that power alone.
The "Return by Death" power that dwelled within Subaru was a mighty force that bent fate.
The trigger being "death" was painful for Subaru as the user, but if one considered it one of the prices paid to bend fate, it was only fitting.
One of the prices — yes, Subaru believed that death was only one of the prices.
It was natural to assume that a powerful ability would demand an equally steep cost. Naturally, Subaru assumed his "Return by Death" was no exception.
Whether there was a limit on the number of times, or whether each use required some sacrifice — either was highly probable.
He was not so vain as to believe the Goddess of Destiny had doted on him enough to grant him unlimited attempts. The only people he could proudly say had loved him were his parents.
If that were the case, then trial and error to determine the limits of "Return by Death" — actions like deliberately getting himself killed — would naturally fall outside the options. It would be entirely unsurprising if this was his final chance.
If the pattern involved sacrificing something, the most common scenario would be trading away a precious person or an important memory.
Unfortunately, for a Subaru with no memories, the only people who could qualify as precious in this world were Emilia and the others — the only ones he had contact with at the tower. (His family in the original world excepted.)
Which led him to a thought— "No way… my memory loss isn't actually the price for 'Return by Death,' is it…?"
A terrifying thing to imagine, but it was entirely plausible. Offering up memories as the cost of "Return by Death." A vicious notion — though "Return by Death" itself was already in poor taste.
What was truly terrifying, though, was that even if that were the case, there was no way to verify it.
In truth, the connection between Subaru's memory loss and "Return by Death" was unclear. For the time being, since becoming aware of the memory loss, Subaru had already died four more times, and at least within what he could verify himself, he had not detected any further gaps in his memory.
His memories since waking up in the tower on the way home from the convenience store were vivid.
He just hoped there were not countless loops in between that he had no recollection of.
"—Hey. Are you even listening, Barusu?"
Pulling Subaru from his inner thoughts, Ram's sharp voice dragged him back to reality. Meeting her gaze, Subaru let out a low "Mm…" from deep in his throat and said: "Yeah, I'm listening. I know I've shocked you. It's a sudden topic, and I understand it's hard to believe right away, but…"
"You understand, but?"
"For me…"
"There's no reason for Subaru to tell such a mean-spirited lie. Even Ram should trust Subaru's judgment at least that far."
It was Beatrice who answered in Subaru's place, cutting in to speak for Ram. Sitting properly at Subaru's side, she had been his staunch ally ever since she had accepted the situation in the green room.
"Beatrice-sama…"
"Emilia's words aren't entirely wrong, you know. When it comes to losing his memories, Subaru is the one who's most anxious of all. That's why he burst into tears like a child."
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring that up…"
At the unexpected exposure, Subaru scratched his cheek and chalked up his tears to "that sort of thing."
The tears had actually come from many overlapping reasons — that he could "Return by Death," that he had been reunited with them, that he had been given another chance — but tears were tears.
There was no need to dig into a man's reasons for crying.
In any case, he was profoundly grateful to Beatrice for standing by his side.
Like Emilia, Beatrice had been confused at first when she heard the story in the green room, but because she had taken longer to digest the situation than Emilia, she had then used an intelligence and magnanimity at odds with her appearance to pledge her support for Subaru.
— And precisely because of that, the fleeting look of relief Beatrice had shown at the end of the last loop, and the words "I took you with me," resurfaced in Subaru's mind, and he felt a pain like chains tightening around his chest.
What on earth had "Natsuki Subaru" done for Beatrice?
Not knowing that, and yet leaning on her trust — the guilt was real. He admonished himself: he must not naively accept this as something owed to him.
"Honestly, I know it's a bit rough to dismiss something as delicate as memory loss with the argument that there's no reason for me to lie about it here — but I'd like you to swallow that."
"Swallow that…"
"On top of that, let's have a constructive conversation. Fortunately, I'm in a positive frame of mind right now. Any talk about moving forward is more than welcome… and if you have something to say, I'll listen properly."
Using Beatrice's input as his foundation, Subaru bowed his head once more. To back him up, Emilia also bowed, saying, "Please — believe him."
"————"
Watching Emilia and Beatrice — and Subaru's own earnest demeanor — even Ram seemed unable to muster a rebuttal. And once the initial reflexive resistance from the shock of the announcement had subsided, what came next was a natural, overdue confusion.
Of course, Subaru's "memory loss" declaration had not shocked only Ram. She had simply been the most visibly affected. The reactions of the others —
"————"
Honestly, his reunion with Emilia and Beatrice had been overwhelming enough, but when he had also been reunited with all the others in this place at once, Subaru's heart had been shaken to its core.
Julius, whom he had left behind in the lower levels with Regulus. Echidna, whose legs had been blown off, who had apologized for doubting Subaru before dying. Shaula, unseen within the tower amid that chaos. And Ram, who had directed the strongest suspicion at Subaru and with whom he had never managed to reconcile.
Everyone — every single one of them was here. He had been given the chance to exchange words with all of them once more.
And above all, the person Subaru was most acutely aware of in this moment was— "—Still, you really are a troublesome one, aren't you, Big Brother."
"——!"
"What's with that reaction? You're looking at me like I'm someone who died — how rude is that?"
Yes — the girl listened to Subaru's story with an attitude that showed remarkably little surprise.
Her dark blue hair in three braids, her black attire with a stylish accent she never neglected — the young assassin, Melissa.
Melissa Portroute, moving, speaking, firmly and undeniably there.
"Melissa…"
"Oh my? You remember my name. …Actually, I can't even tell what's different about you from usual, Big Brother. What did you forget?"
"—Right. It is kind of complicated. It might not look like there are problems with our conversations on the surface, but if you dig a little deeper, it gets pretty sluggish. It's what you'd call episodic memory loss — I remember the names of things fairly well, but my memories with people are pretty shaky."
"…Does that include, say, things that happened yesterday?"
"—Yeah."
Melissa narrowed her eyes and her voice dropped slightly. At her question, Subaru hesitated for just an instant — but then yielded to that feeling and stopped making excuses.
He probably could have weaseled out with a strained justification, but he didn't. He had decided not to. — He would be as honest as possible with them.
"…Yesterday. Yeah. That's right."
"————"
Hearing Subaru's answer — in a sense a greater shock than the "memory loss" announcement itself — were Julius, who murmured quietly, and Echidna, who had apparently been involved in some suspicious rendezvous.
But disregarding their reactions— "Master, did you lose your memory again~? How many times do you have to forget about me before you're satisfied~? I'm at my wit's end~!"
Shaula pressed her ample bosom together and pouted discontentedly.
Until now, Shaula's antics could be brushed off easily, but coming to this point, her words carried a distinct impression of something not quite dismissible.
"Digging into your nonsense feels weird too, but was your 'Master' really always losing his memory just like that?"
"Hm? He was pretty much always losing it~. I'd wake up in the morning, say hello, and he'd go 'Who are you again? I don't remember ya~' — like some old fling~"
"Hmm, at that level, it's hard to tell if he's joking or not…"
Hypothetically, if Subaru had grown closer to Shaula in the days since, he could absolutely imagine that level of casual banter as teasing.
But Subaru was also aware that there was a version of himself who, having lost his memories, had chosen to hide that fact from Emilia and the others — to simply not tell them. A move where he pretended it was all a joke while genuinely having no memory.
Even by his own standards, that was insufferably complicated. And given that he had actually died four times, it was no laughing matter.
"Understood about the memory loss. Honestly, I have to say this will still take time to fully accept… but given the possibility that something in this tower — some kind of trap — could cause such a phenomenon, it seems best to proceed with that assumption."
"As a crime scene, the most likely place is 'Taylor's' library where Emilia and the others found me collapsed. It was already a dubious location to begin with."
"You always…"
"—Hm?"
As Echidna began seriously analyzing the situation, Subaru nodded and added his own input. But partway through, Emilia murmured something with a lonely look that was particularly memorable.
In the previous loop too, during conversations with Subaru, she had shown this expression and reaction several times. The true cause of it remained unclear even now.
Was there some fatal oversight he was missing? — The thought was frightening.
"—Anyway, sorry for shocking everyone. I don't think you can just absorb that and keep going like nothing happened, so let's take a break. I'll go fetch some water with Ram in the meantime."
Making that suggestion, Subaru sprang to his feet from the center of the circle. Ram raised an eyebrow at the proposal, and Emilia and Beatrice gazed at Subaru with concern.
But Subaru met their eyes with a nod, then turned his black gaze to Ram.
"Let's go, Ram. — You've had that 'I want to drag you to the water supply' look on your face for a while now."
"How indecent."
Ram averted her gaze and murmured those words at Subaru's invitation.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ "So, what exactly was the point of that little performance back there? Now that you've gone through the trouble of dragging Ram out here, you must have something to tell me."
Bucket in hand, Subaru and Ram left the meeting room and headed toward the water supply. On the way, having judged they were far enough from Emilia and the others, Ram broached the subject.
That she did not take Subaru's "memory loss" statement seriously at all was consistent every time. This was not about evidence or stubbornness — there was a far more important reason.
—
Because she was so worried for her sister, Ram could not accept Subaru's "memory loss."
That was precisely why she stubbornly denied it. She did not know the full details. But Subaru must surely have had a connection to Rem when he was awake.
It had been what sustained Ram — her existence as Rem's older sister.
Therefore— "You should stop asking Emilia-sama and Beatrice-sama to play such big roles. Beatrice-sama aside, it's still too much of a burden for Emilia-sama. So I'll give you credit for thinking to involve Ram here. As for the details…"
"—Ram, my memory loss is real. It's not a lie, not a scheme, not some ploy."
But Subaru had to deny the thing Ram was clinging to — that thin thread she wanted to rely on.
"————"
Hearing Subaru's straight words, Ram fell silent and narrowed her eyes. Deep within her rose-pink irises, the seed of a flame burned — confusion and anxiety, and beneath them, a fierce anger.
That seed would soon grow into a conflagration powerful enough to burn Subaru's soul to nothing. And what had stoked it was none other than Natsuki Subaru's own suspicious, dishonest conduct.
It was a textbook case of his own actions bringing about his ruin.
"I've lost my memories. I know the names and relationships of everyone in this tower, but everything else is spotty. That much is true too."
"Stop it."
"I only told Emilia and Beatrice beforehand, and I told them the same thing. There's nothing more I can tell you. Right now my hands are empty."
"Stop it, Barusu. Don't say any more…"
"I know I came to this tower to reclaim the many things that were taken from me. I know we're in the middle of the 'trial.' But that's all. My motivation is…"
"Barusu, stop right there."
"—Rem, too, I…"
"Barusu—!!"
I don't remember, Subaru told Ram with anguish in his heart.
Ram, who had been visibly showing that she did not want to hear a single word, heard Subaru's apology and lunged at him with fury contorting her face.
"Guh!"
He was seized by the front of his shirt and slammed back-first against the wall. The strength in those slender arms was unbelievable — with terrifying force, Ram pinned him and glared from point-blank range.
Deep in those rose-pink eyes, the seed of flame had blazed into a roaring fire, threatening to consume Subaru — no, to consume Ram herself.
When that fire consumed Subaru — no, consumed Ram — the tragedy would repeat.
"What are you trying to do!? Such… such a stupid lie!"
"It's not… a lie… I could never… lie to you like…"
"Oh, don't be! Then what do you want me to do? You want Ram to believe you? That Barusu forgot Rem… What kind of ridiculous story is that!?"
"Ram…"
Drawing even closer — so near their lips might touch — Ram pressed her forehead against Subaru's and stared him down. The blazing fire in her eyes was burning not with anger but with grief, and Subaru finally realized it.
The struggle she carried — its roots ran deep, far more complex than Subaru could imagine.
After four repetitions, Subaru had only just touched the surface of it. To truly understand the feelings, the wounds that another person carried — just how deeply would one have to think?
Subaru, who resorted to the cheat of looping over and over, could only grasp it after four rounds. And yet Emilia and the others, with just one life, cut through it with such unwavering directness. It was dazzling.
And because he could not simply be burned by that dazzling light forever, Subaru— "—I will get Rem back. I promise."
"——!"
Meeting those rose-pink eyes from inches away, Subaru gathered the strength in his throat and spoke clearly.
Hearing that, Ram's eyes widened in surprise once more — then fury immediately eclipsed it.
"How dare you… get her back? What are you talking about, Barusu? You forgot Rem!"
"Even so, I'll get her back. Rem, my memories, the reason I came to this tower — all of it, every last thing, I'll see it through and we'll all go home together. — That's the kind of reward that should exist."
"—Barusu?"
"It should exist… given what happened in this tower."
There was breathlessness too, but it was a different cause that twisted Subaru's cheek into a bitter expression. Ram noticed his reaction, and her grip on his collar loosened slightly.
This time, Subaru caught her hand in both of his and gently pulled it away. And then their positions swapped.
"How indecent. Let go."
Now pressed against the wall in turn, they stared at each other from inches apart, and Ram spat the words at him.
But Subaru did not flinch at her feeble, spiritless words.
"Ram. I'll get my memories and Rem back. To do that, I need your help."
"————"
"I need everyone's strength. 'Natsuki Subaru' as you knew him yesterday — maybe he never would've said something this pathetic. But the me who's here now…"
Julius had entrusted him, Beatrice had believed in him, Echidna had forgiven him, Emilia had wished for it.
If "Natsuki Subaru" was the person everyone expected him to be, then perhaps even one person could have changed this deadlocked situation.
But the current Natsuki Subaru could not do that. And rather than resenting that, giving up, and throwing a tantrum, the people in this tower were simply too dear to him.
"I understand you can't believe or forgive me for forgetting Rem. But please, put that anger aside for now. In exchange, I'll make you a promise."
"A promise…?"
"I will see it through. No matter how many times it takes, I'll grab on and never let go. And if I ever break this promise — if I ever give up in front of you — then do whatever you want to me. Boil me, burn me, whatever you like."
"————"
Ram's eyes widened, and the heat of anger drained from them. What emerged in its place, naturally, was the other emotion that had been hidden beneath the fury.
Holding that gaze, Subaru pulled his head back and, still facing her directly — at the exact distance at which they had once locked eyes through a cage of ice — continued.
"That's my resolve."
"…Why would you go that far? If Barusu truly forgot Rem, there's no way you'd want to get her back that badly."
"————"
"When you forget, there's nothing left. There's just a void — an empty space — and the feelings you had for what was once there are lost. They vanish. Love, hatred, warmth, loneliness — all of it."
Ram's voice was quiet, clothed in a cold hardness.
Those words, steeped in such lived conviction, might well have been drawn from the void she herself had experienced. And so Subaru's resolve was unbelievable to her.
She was asking: How could you possibly hold such a fierce wish for a blank space?
"Actually, you're right. My memories are empty. How 'yesterday's me' felt about Rem — that slipped through my fingers and was gone…"
"Then why?"
"But I've seen you — how much you treasure Rem, how desperately you wish to get her back."
He had seen Ram — wishing, struggling to reclaim Rem, her beloved sister.
The tenacity of that wish, that love — Subaru had witnessed it firsthand and been overwhelmed by it. And Ram, who fought so desperately, was one of the people Subaru wanted to save— "The reason I want to get Rem back now is for 'Natsuki Subaru' — and for you."
"————"
"And so, if I give up, what happens after that is up to you. That's how I'll atone for dropping my memories of my own accord and making you cry."
"I'm not crying. Don't be ridiculous."
"Ow!?"
His cheek was slapped hard, and Subaru crumpled to the spot.
Holding his reddening cheek, Subaru stared at Ram as though she were something incredible.
"You — I was just having a really, really brave moment there…"
"You were hyping yourself up. What was brave about it? And honestly, Barusu, stop making promises. You've got the worst track record in the world for keeping them."
"I heard the same thing from Emilia, but how many promises did 'yesterday's me' actually break!?"
"When have you ever kept one!?"
"Was it really that bad!?"
Drenched in icy-cold scorn, Subaru revised his assessment of "Natsuki Subaru" once again. The stock price fluctuated wildly, good and bad, but breaking promises was a major downward factor.
Surely, if you made a promise, the bare minimum duty was to work toward keeping it.
People willingly take losses because they believe a promise will be honored even if no one is watching. That spirit — he had been lacking it.
"So 'Natsuki Subaru' really was no good, huh…"
"Yes, exactly. I may have been mistaken about some things, but 'yesterday's Barusu' wasn't some capable man who could handle things on his own either. If anything, he was a bumbling fool whose attempts to handle things alone only ever expanded the damage. Ram suffered through a lot of his nonsense too, you know."
"Seriously? Why'd you bring a guy like that into the tower…?"
"He was pushy. Besides, he was smooth-tongued. He was handy enough for small tasks, and he was good at managing Emilia-sama and Beatrice-sama. And then…"
Hearing himself torn to shreds while sitting cross-legged on the floor, Subaru felt thoroughly uncomfortable.
He was being scolded for someone else's faults — and yet it was his own story being told. Hearing Emilia and the others say negative things about "Natsuki Subaru" was already a complex sort of suffering, but Ram pouring out her thoughts to berate him — well, that was complex too.
Deciding he might as well hear everything there was to hear, Subaru let go and threw his hands up.
"And what else? Short legs, bad memory, picky eater, terrible at giving up?"
"Short legs, bad memory, picky eater, and terrible at giving up."
"Right, right—"
"—And he treated Rem well."
"————"
Suddenly, Ram's tone shifted. Color crept into her frozen voice.
Warm — if one were to say her voice had gained color, it was a soft rose, an enveloping pastel.
The tenderness in her voice as she spoke of Rem, of her sister — and the image of "Natsuki Subaru" at Rem's side — and the gentle, lingering love that still refused to vanish.
So vividly rosy that Subaru could almost mistake it for the color of kindness.
"Barusu. — You really did forget Rem, didn't you?"
"…Yeah."
Ram's eyes reflected Subaru and did not waver. Impressive — truly admirable.
In a moment like this, hearing words he did not want to hear, Subaru himself would have looked away. Yet she, Ram, did not look away. Not once.
"Barusu. — You really will remember Rem?"
"Yeah. I'll remember. Not just Rem — everything."
"If everything else is gone, that's the worst, but I can live with it. Just remember Rem."
"Don't say something so unreasonable. Let me get everything back…"
"I'll say it again. Rem, if it kills you, you remember her."
"Yeah, I swear to that. — Even if it kills me, I'll remember everything."
Literally, even if he died, he would remember it all.
In this other world, what "Natsuki Subaru" had seen, heard, felt, built — how he had made it this far. — He, Natsuki Subaru, would reclaim all of it.
"…Fine. I'll let you off for now."
Hearing that answer, the oppressive aura Ram had been radiating simply vanished.
Sensing it, Subaru — still sitting cross-legged on the floor — asked: "Really?"
"I'm the one who asked, but you're sure?"
"You're a man. Accept it gracefully. Ram has heard your resolve. On top of that, you even said that if you give up, I should boil you, burn you, carve you up, gut you, crush you, beat you — whatever I like. If Ram's motherly heart were to disregard all of that, it would be questioned."
"Those last few steps after the boiling and burning… I don't recall agreeing to those…"
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
Shaking his head lazily, Subaru answered Ram in polite language.
Motherly — that was quite the grand declaration. But if one considered the proverb about even a Buddha's patience running out three times, Subaru had already entered a fifth attempt that not even a Buddha could forgive.
If he could not cling to god or Buddha, then entrusting his judgment to this maternal figure might be its own kind of amusement.
"Stand up, Barusu. Giving up, bending your knees — Ram will not permit it."
"Sitting on the ground isn't the same as any of those… Here—"
Springing to his feet with a bounce, Subaru brushed off his backside and faced Ram once more.
Leaning against the wall, fixing her disheveled clothes, and folding her arms — Ram had returned to her usual self. That is, this was what "Ram's usual" looked like, and she fixed Subaru with her gaze.
"…Did you tell Emilia-sama and Beatrice-sama the same thing?"
"Those two… they didn't seem to think I was capable of giving up, so…"
"That's true. — Bad Barusu has rubbed off on them."
"That's why I can't rely on those two. Julius and Echidna too, emotionally speaking."
And probably — Emilia and Beatrice, Julius and Echidna.
Their answers, he believed, had been heard in the previous loop, during his interactions with them.
So the answers that remained were the ones he still had to verify.
"Still, though… from what you're telling me, 'yesterday's me' really wasn't all that impressive."
"Whether or not he has Rem's memory changes his value to Ram immensely. Watch your tongue."
Ram tossed the cold words over her shoulder and began walking.
The two had stopped for quite some time on the way to fetch water, but if they returned empty-handed, it would only worry Emilia and the others.
Subaru, bucket in one hand, caught up and walked alongside Ram.
And then— "I was… 'Natsuki Subaru' was definitely here, right?"
Quietly, Subaru asked the question to Ram's profile.
It was less a confirmation than a weak, somewhat anxious murmur. Having just sworn not to give up, it was perhaps the wrong thing to say.
Ram might have punished him for it before he could even dry his lips.
"—Idiot."
But she did not. She did not stop walking either. Tenderly, she called him a fool— "For now, it's merely out of sight for a little while. Because so many things have been layered on top of it, buried deep inside, it only feels like it's gone. Just like a flower buried beneath cold snow — when the season of thaw arrives, it will show itself again. — That's all it is, nothing more."
And so, facing a Ram who did not show her expression, Subaru could not show her his.
He had just been so cool a moment ago — he could not bear to show such a pathetic face now.
And so, without a word, with Ram not even turning to look at him — in this moment, Subaru truly thought she was like a mother.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ The situation was shifting significantly — or so he wanted to believe, but in truth, not so much.
This was not the first time Subaru had confessed his memory loss, and he had already seen the others absorb that shock while leaving confusion behind.
But once your posture toward the situation changed — once your mindset shifted — so did your view of each person.
Last time, Subaru had suspected Emilia and the others at every turn. Every gesture, every attitude, every word — examined from every angle for hidden intent. He had been certain they were plotting something.
But when he removed that filter of suspicion, what he saw in every gesture, every attitude, every word was concern for Subaru and, fundamentally, self-reproach.
In short, they had been deliberately restraining themselves, trying not to make Subaru anxious.
Feeling that as suspicious, as unnatural — that had been entirely Subaru's problem.
"Get it together. Do this right, Natsuki Subaru…"
Talking to himself, Subaru stared at his palms.
The cause of his memory loss was highly likely to be "Taylor's." Completing the trial was important, but investigating the cause of the memory loss was equally urgent.
So far, no other cases had occurred, but if memory loss began spreading to others besides Subaru, they might end up in the absurd situation of everyone saying "Nice to meet you" all at once.
And besides, did he really have the luxury of taking things slowly?
"The last time, and the time before that, things inside the tower were a total mess."
The time before last, Subaru had discovered the "corpses" of his companions inside the tower — or rather, excluding Emilia and Beatrice, those of the others waiting within.
Last time had been different: he had been forced to watch his companions' "deaths" one by one, and his heart was now raw and splintered.
But both of those catastrophic events would occur inside the tower before long.
Subaru, who knew the worst tragedies, had to prevent them from happening.
To that end, he would do everything in his power. — And so, first of all, Subaru— "————"
Standing conspicuously at the edge of a high ledge, Subaru detected the faintest whisper of breath behind him.
If you were aware, you could just barely sense the outline of a presence — the killing of one's aura done with just the right calibration. Foreknowledge let him sense it with borderline unfair precision, and at the last instant he twisted his body.
"—!"
"Whoa, dangerous. — Don't go falling in my place."
Both hands thrust out into empty air, and the momentum pitched the attacker forward. Subaru caught the figure with an outstretched hand and pulled them back from the edge.
The body was light. Not the ominous lightness of various grim contexts, but a lightness appropriate to the girl's appearance — yes, appropriate for that girl.
"Now then — let's talk. — You owe me for killing me, you know."
So saying, Subaru smiled at the girl whose arm he was holding — Melissa — and at the culprit who had twice pushed him to his doom, delivered his climactic deduction.