Finding
One relief was that he'd found her. The other was that she was here at all.
The certainty that this had to be where she'd be, and the desperate wish that this was where she'd be—both had been fulfilled, and he could feel the heavy thing coiled deep in his stomach finally unspool.
"Still, you really thought this through, Emilia-tan."
"…………"
"Sure, nobody can find you here, and you can hole up alone. Besides, the number of people who can even get in is limited—and those who can are all the type who'd rather not."
At a minimum, only three people besides Emilia could enter this place—
One had rejected the Trial and loathed the tomb entirely. One had seen a past that wasn't their own and entrusted the
All other qualified souls, strictly bound by the rules imposed upon them, would never set foot in the tomb.
It was, in every sense, a hidden refuge buried in the back of a mind that refused entry to everyone except Emilia.
There was no reply to Subaru's honestly admiring words.
She stayed small, gazing up at him in silence.
"—Mind if I sit? My legs are actually killing me standing here."
"…………"
"Silence counts as consent where I come from. Right then—excuse me."
Under the weight of her stare, Subaru boldly lowered himself to sit beside her.
Two fists' distance between them, naturally—that was the limit of his nerve and his courage as a man. Closing that gap would have to come later, after he'd narrowed the distance between their hearts with words and gestures.
Because right now, there was undeniably more distance between their feelings than those two fists' width could measure.
"————"
"————"
Side by side, silence settled between them.
Subaru waited patiently for Emilia to speak, while Emilia, watching his profile from the corner of her eye as he sat there with that unhurried composure, trembled her lips again and again, hesitating, before finally— "Subaru…"
"————"
"Why are you… here?"
"If you ask me 'why'—that's a tough one. I guess it's because I was thinking about you the whole time, Emilia-tan, and managed to track down exactly where you were."
It was honestly something to be proud of.
At the very least, it meant that within the entire Sanctuary, he'd been thinking about Emilia more than anyone, and he'd been the most accurate at reading what she was feeling.
Of course, if he'd truly been attuned to her feelings, he probably wouldn't have ended up exchanging words with her inside a tomb in the first place.
Subaru's answer made Emilia's eyes widen.
Then she shook her head, as though the answer offered was something entirely different from what she'd been looking for.
"That's not it. That's not it, Subaru. Not why you came here—but how… This place is supposed to be off-limits to anyone who doesn't have the qualification."
"Emilia-tan, have you forgotten? I walked in here on the first day to drag you out when you collapsed. I guess if Roswaal really pissed off the Witch that badly, just entering makes your body feel like it's going to explode—but it wasn't that bad for me. Just a floaty, elevator-arriving-any-second feeling that stretches on forever. Not unbearable."
"…So that's how it was."
Her disappointment that her assumption—no one could get in here—was wrong, and her tiny, worried gaze directed at Subaru, who was still battling nausea.
She was desperately trying to sort out everything swirling inside her, yet even in a moment like this, she was still thinking about someone else. It was unbearably sweet, and unbearably painful.
"How did you… know I was here?"
Talking felt better than sitting in silence. It kept his mind occupied and lightened his mood.
Sensing this, Emilia watched Subaru take a deep breath and then asked a different question, her voice steady once more.
Her words carried a tangle of suspicion and resignation—something complicated and hard to handle.
The resignation was listless, the suspicion dark and gnawing. Both were extraordinarily rare in Emilia—or perhaps Subaru was seeing them for the first time.
"…Subaru?"
"Ah, sorry, sorry. The reason I thought you'd be here—it's this. There's nothing about you, Emilia-tan, that I don't understand. That's what I mean."
"Liar."
He hadn't meant to joke, but the lightness of his words was sliced clean away.
Emilia rested her chin on her knees and tilted her head, looking at him. In those violet eyes, the emotions swirled with a confusion so deep it threatened to swallow her whole.
She turned her gaze away, as though unwilling to have those feelings scooped out of her, and pouted her lips where Subaru couldn't see.
"Say something like that all you want—it won't fool me. —I don't even understand myself. There's no way you could possibly understand me."
"Sometimes the people around you see your own footing better than you do. People can be blind to their own feet."
Not that he could call it personal experience, exactly—but it happened more often than you'd think.
How reckless, how bullheaded, how thick-skinned you're being—those things are easy to miss when you're caught up in the heat of the moment. Sometimes it takes someone else saying it before you finally realize.
Just as Subaru himself had once been told, by someone else's mouth, before he understood.
"Whether Emilia-tan was here—I was half-believing and half-hoping."
"Half and half…"
"I was running all over the village and couldn't find you anywhere. Instead of thinking about where you'd gone, I racked my brain about why you'd gone somewhere at all. That's when I thought—it had to be here. And finding you here… I was so damn relieved."
"…Just relieved?"
"Hm?"
The moment Subaru's lips relaxed in relief, Emilia pressed the question.
Her voice was quiet—so quiet it might vanish—so Subaru raised his brows. She stared deep into his eyes, unblinking, as though searching for something.
"When you found me here, were you just relieved? …You weren't angry at all?"
"What's that about, Emilia-tan? Were you scared I'd be mad at you?"
Her timid posture nearly made Subaru burst out laughing.
Running off without saying where she'd go, only to have her hiding place found—and then being afraid of getting scolded. That was textbook child behavior.
Given what he now knew of her true age and her mental age, it made a certain kind of sense, but it was still a departure from the Emilia he'd known up to now.
Still, Subaru didn't dwell on the strangeness. He simply shook his head.
"I'm not angry. I was panicked, sure—honestly, a total mess—but I'm not angry. Finding you here, along with everything else—I'm just glad."
"…I see."
The emotion Subaru had felt toward the missing Emilia was something other than anger.
If he'd felt anything resembling anger, it was at himself—for having overlooked the signs that she'd been driven to such a desperate act.
The frustration of having every carefully laid plan threatened to unravel—that, too, had been swept aside by relief now that she was found.
So Emilia's worry was nothing more than unfounded fear. That was what he'd meant to convey.
"I'm not angry."
That was what he'd meant. But what lay beneath Emilia's murmur was not relief.
"—Emilia?"
"Subaru, you're not angry at me. …You won't even get angry at me."
Her voice was small, hoarse—and trembling.
By the time the confused Subaru knitted his brows, it was already too late to notice.
Emilia's head was bowed, her lip bitten. Her eyes were wide.
They brimmed with tears, and she was fighting with everything she had to keep them from spilling.
"Why won't you get angry at me?"
"Emili—"
"I did whatever I wanted, didn't I? I caused you trouble, didn't I? I disappeared without a word and made you worry, didn't I? Made you think I'd run away, made you anxious… I did all those things! If someone did that to you, you'd want to be angry, right? Wouldn't you, Subaru?"
She cut off Subaru's voice and poured out her feelings in a torrent of words.
She insisted on the selfishness of her own actions, demanding he condemn her.
Overwhelmed by the fierce intensity of her demeanor, Subaru finally realized that he'd chosen his words catastrophically wrong.
Emilia hadn't been afraid of Subaru's anger.
She'd been afraid that he wouldn't condemn her at all.
Because if he didn't—that meant— "Why won't you get angry…? If you're not angry, isn't it because you don't expect anything from me anymore? If you're still being kind to me despite watching me fail… isn't that because you're not disappointed? Isn't it because you've already decided it won't work out…?"
"————"
Perhaps this was the darkness that had lurked at the bottom of Emilia's heart all along—the thing she'd always been anxious about but never able to put into words.
Failing the Trial again and again, and coming back broken each time.
Feeling pathetic about herself, and seeing people visibly disappointed in failing Emilia—and yet among those people, there were some who still didn't blame her: Subaru,
Emilia had been saved by Subaru and Puck's presence, but she had also been fighting a fear she could never quite wash away.
People were disappointed because they'd had expectations.
They found her pathetic because they were fed up with their own powerlessness.
But if she kept failing and failing, and he kept comforting her gently each time, then her heart might be momentarily saved—only to be scorched by an even greater anxiety.
Emilia had been terrified of Subaru's kindness. Of Puck's kindness.
"No, Emilia. I don't think that way."
Subaru spoke, belatedly grasping the magnitude of the waves crashing through Emilia's heart.
He had to reach her right here, right now—or everything would spiral beyond his grasp. If he let her push him away, he'd never be able to reach her again.
So without a moment's thought for what he should say, he spoke on instinct.
"The reason I can't get angry at you has nothing to do with—"
"Then…! Why! Why did you… break your promise…?"
"————!"
His impromptu words were cut short, and the topic she'd raised froze the expression on Subaru's face.
The "promise" Emilia had mentioned—there was only one it could mean, the one made between the two of them the night before. And whether it had been properly kept— "I asked you to hold my hand until morning! And you said you understood, you promised…! So why did you let go? Why did you break your promise…?"
"————"
"Su, Subaru too… Puck too, broke the promise… and went off somewhere. Left me behind, went off somewhere… Liar. Subaru's a liar. Puck's a liar… Liar, liar… Liar…"
She accused him, voice breaking through tears, of breaking their promise.
Hanging her head, crying, Emilia pressed her forehead against Subaru's shoulder. Her weak hands pounded his chest. They had no force behind them—almost none. And yet each blow carried a piercing, gut-wrenching pain.
This was all the pain Subaru had failed to notice. The pain he'd overlooked.
She'd been on the receiving end of it—unilaterally—from him and Puck both.
"I t-told you, promises are important… before, too, I told you that! For a spirit arts user, for me, a promise is important… so I asked you to keep it…! You were supposed to apologize for breaking it, Subaru…! But you broke the promise again…"
"…Emilia."
"Breaking promises is wrong… Lying is wrong… You have to keep promises… because if you don't… if you don't, then I… to Mother, to Juu…"
Her face pressed against his shoulder, Emilia's emotions spilled out with nowhere to go. The tidal surge of feeling, the anguish of betrayal—her thoughts scattered into a thousand pieces.
Her halting words became incoherent, and at last she wailed in the voice of a child sobbing uncontrollably: "Lying is wrong… It's wrong…"
Her trembling voice rang with such anguish that Subaru felt as though his chest were being clawed apart.
"Promise" — between Subaru and Emilia, that single word had echoed with many different meanings. He'd taken it lightly before, hurt Emilia, and created a rift between them.
After their reunion, they'd reconfirmed the meaning of "promise," binding themselves together with that bond.
And yet once again, "promise" was not a gentle sound—it was a harsh weight, pinning them both.
Above all, the way Emilia spoke of "promise" was utterly unlike her usual self. Something—something vital at the core of who she was—was chaining her to this promise.
"————"
With her head buried between her knees, Emilia continued to sob.
Every second Subaru spent looking at her like this, his heart was being carved apart by guilt.
While listening to the sound of her sniffling, he racked his brain, desperately searching for what to say.
Should he apologize? Should he act like he understood? Should he try to comfort her as best he could? Should he tell her just how much he cared?
The thoughts churned through his head, and he couldn't grasp even a hint of the right answer.
What, how, what should he do, what would be best— "————"
Thinking, thinking, thinking, Subaru closed his eyes amid the swirling thoughts. And then— He felt as though he'd found an answer.
"Emilia. —I love you."
"————"
It was, perhaps, a terribly untimely thing to say in a moment like this.
"…Eh?"
Hearing Subaru's words, Emilia raised her face in stunned disbelief.
Those violet eyes, still glistening with tears, opened wide as Emilia's gaze locked onto Subaru. Her reflection in those eyes—distorted by the moisture above—so Subaru kept his own heart steady and unwavering.
Because there was no longer any doubt in the words he needed to say.
"Every single night, you throw yourself at the same Trial over and over and over. Who cares about the Trial? It's just the past. Stop agonizing over something that's already done."
"…Ah, u—"
"And when I say 'let me do it in your place,' you pull that 'it's something I have to do' crap and dig your heels in. If you could actually clear it, fine, but if the result's the same every time, then all you're doing is talking big! Try being on the receiving end of watching you lose over and over—see how that feels!"
"Su, Subaru…"
"And then your pet-cum-guardian disappears, and you can't even stand up and walk on your own? Bawling your eyes out, worrying everyone, abandoning your duties to mope in bed. Give me a break. I can't take this anymore."
At Subaru's harsh, almost spat-out words, Emilia's eyes flew open as though she were seeing something impossible. Her tear-brightened gaze lost even the tears in its shock, and her lips trembled weakly, unable to form words.
Without question, Emilia's heart had been wounded as it had never been before.
Before the malice and loathing that
Emilia's face twisted.
It wasn't the anguish of weeping, nor the fury of a tantrum, nor the hollow emptiness of resignation.
Under the barrage of abuse she'd never received before, Emilia's expression changed—and what it became was not any appropriate expression at all. It was something entirely different.
—The corner of Emilia's mouth curled into a wretched, parched smile.
"Y-You're right… S-Subaru… of course you'd think that about me…"
"————"
"That's all I deserve… every awful thing anyone could say… Because ever since I came to the Sanctuary… no, even before that… all I've been is a burden… so I…"
"You got that right. Since coming to the Sanctuary, honestly, you haven't shown a single redeeming thing. I'm hardly one to talk, but even so, it's pathetic. There's nothing to salvage."
Subaru affirmed Emilia's self-denial.
Hearing that, Emilia's throat seized up with a choked sound. She swallowed something like a sob, and her wretched smile didn't fade.
"So it's only natural… that Puck and Subaru would both… give up on me…"
"Sure. After pulling all this crap with zero signs of improvement, it's only natural that the feeling of 'forget it, whatever' starts outweighing the feeling of 'I've got to do something.' That's just human nature."
With each negation Subaru handed down, Emilia seemed about to offer an answer.
Snatching away the ending of that answer before it arrived, Subaru delivered his harshest judgment.
"—But."
Right before the final blow, Subaru cut off his own words.
Emilia raised her face to look at him. And in her eyes floated an emotion only Subaru could read.
—It was the same emotion he himself had once worn on his face, and for that reason— "I love you. —Emilia."
With the same words that had once refused to let Subaru escape, Subaru refused to let Emilia escape.
The long lashes framing her eyes trembled, and Emilia was entirely consumed by Subaru's words.
Watching Emilia freeze, her very thoughts seeming to halt, Subaru allowed his cheeks to relax ever so slightly.
It was neither relief nor mockery—it was, if anything, nostalgia.
Everything about this—the very thing Emilia had been searching for—made him want to cry out with how familiar it felt.
"I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you so much it's unbearable."
"Wh, what… all of a sudden…"
"I love your beautiful silver hair. I love those gorgeous violet eyes that look like jewels when they're glistening. I love your voice—it makes me dream just hearing it. I love your long, slender limbs and your pale skin. The height difference between us is so perfect it kills me. Just being next to you makes my heart race nonstop and I love it and I'm losing my mind."
"————"
"I love the little spacey things about you, and how hard you try at everything—it's adorable. I respect how you can fight so desperately for someone else's sake. I can't stand how you neglect yourself, and I feel like I just can't leave you alone. All your expressions, every emotion you've ever felt—I wish I could be right there beside you for all of it. …That's what I've always thought."
"Not a time to joke around!"
His feelings for Emilia spilled out of his mouth, smooth and effortless.
Emilia shook off his words and screamed back, her voice rising.
Her shoulders trembled, her brows drew down—she tried to change the subject, tried to escape his judgment, tried to undo everything that had just happened. She was furious at his attitude.
"Why are you suddenly saying things like that?! That's not what we were talking about! S-Subaru, you said I was completely hopeless, that I wasn't enough—you said it yourself! That you couldn't watch anymore, that it was too much… that someone like me… yes…"
"Yeah, you're right. After seeing all that pathetic behavior, all talk and results that make me sigh—it'd only be natural for me to get sick of you already, especially since I'm short-tempered. But only if it were someone other than Emilia."
"Why!!!"
He affirmed the inadequacy of her results, yet denied the most important part.
As though she couldn't accept it, as though it was unforgivable, Emilia raised her voice.
"The pathetic one, the one who can't be saved—that's all me! So why do you look past it? Why do you let it slide? Why…"
"I've already answered that question more times than I can count. Because I love you!"
"————!"
Facing the tearful Emilia who pressed close, Subaru thrust his face forward and shouted back.
Emilia recoiled as though blown back, but for every inch she retreated, Subaru closed the distance. They were close enough to feel each other's breath, their faces mere inches apart—nothing had changed.
"I love you. That's why, no matter how pathetic you are, when we fight like this, I still love Emilia just the same. Nothing will ever change that. —And so I believe in you. Always. Do you know why?"
"Because… you love me…"
Taking over the end of Subaru's words, the dazed Emilia touched her own lips with her fingers. As if to confirm the sensation still lingering there, she traced her soft lips, and tears spilled over.
The tears rolling down her white cheeks gleamed like drops of moonlight as they fell.
"It's only natural to be anxious when unfamiliar memories come flooding back. I understand being scared that a version of yourself you don't know might surface. But that doesn't mean the path Emilia's walked will disappear, or that her feelings will change."
"How can you… say that…?"
"Because the important thing isn't how it starts—it's how it ends. —That's what the person I respect most in the whole world told me."
His mother—the one person who was usually the worst at reading the room, but who taught him the most important things.
He didn't fully understand it yet. But he wanted to understand, going forward.
And standing before him was a girl he wanted to understand it together with.
In front of Emilia, who stood rooted by her fear, Subaru shrugged as though it were nothing.
As if to kick her anxiety right in the teeth.
"It'll be okay, Emilia. No matter what you remember, I'm on your side. Whatever you forgot—remember all of it. And if you're still scared after that, then we'll find it."
"Find… what?"
"The thing that lets me charge ahead headlong because of how I feel about you—I want you to find something that lets you charge ahead the same way, without worrying about anything else."
For someone else's sake, Emilia would never hesitate to put herself on the line.
That selfless devotion to others was noble and beautiful, and Subaru loved it—but "For someone else's sake"—those words were unbearably gentle, and unbearably sad.
Because a faceless someone would never reach as far as a someone you could see.
"I'd like to hope that important feeling of yours could be directed at me, though."
"My… important… feeling…"
As though she hadn't heard Subaru's words, Emilia pressed her hand to her chest and lowered her gaze. Her fingers reached for the spot where Puck's spirit crystal—the medium of their bond—used to rest.
That bond had shattered. Her fingers, extended as though searching for confirmation, touched nothing. They brushed empty air. But Emilia clenched that hand tightly.
"Once I've recovered all these memories… will my important feeling be in there?"
"Yeah. I'm sure it will. The reason to keep walking."
"Mm."
Not exactly skeptical—she didn't doubt him that much—but her expression still wasn't one of full conviction.
Watching Emilia tuck her chin slightly, Subaru closed his eyes and tilted his head back toward the ceiling.
The words that had lifted him up when he'd been in the same place had felt stronger, somehow.
Gentler words, harsher words, fiercer words—he felt like he'd been saved.
—Was he able to be that strength for Emilia?
"————"
Asking it out loud would be way too uncool.
He exhaled, and in that moment of letting his guard down, the nausea he'd forgotten about surged back to his core. He instinctively braced himself against the wall, barely holding back the urge to retch.
"Subaru?"
"I'm fine… is what I'd like to say, but I'm not. It's pretty bad right now. Either way, if we're going to keep talking—or arguing—I'd rather do it outside."
"I wasn't even planning to keep arguing…"
Facing Subaru, who was pale but putting on a brave front, Emilia's lips curved into the faintest smile.
But it was a fragile smile, clearly straining to look normal. Inside her, no clear answer had emerged yet. And the fear—that, too, remained.
Bracing himself against the wall, Subaru began walking toward the tomb's exit.
His unsteady steps faltered, and behind him, Emilia's hand reached out and withdrew, hesitating, as though unsure whether to touch his back. That earlier kiss had apparently shaken even her.
Looking back on it now, the boldness of it made his face flush.
But even those sentimental thoughts would have to wait.
"————"
The best thing Subaru could do to show Emilia that he was on her side— Was to fulfill the role he'd set for himself: to protect her, and to protect her feelings.
So— "I've got to see through… what I need to do."
Stepping out of the tomb.
Bright sunlight welcomed the two of them as they emerged from the darkness.
And then— "—Yo. Sorry to keep you waiting."
"Tch."
As Subaru raised a hand in greeting, Garfiel clicked his tongue in irritation— "—I wasn't waitin' or nothing."
—standing there, his entire body drenched in blood, hostility burning in his eyes.