—Crumbling away, crumbling away, the ground collapsing right from under his feet.
Subaru had lost sight of the footing that should have been there, and he felt as though he were plummeting from some great height.
In truth, Subaru stood frozen in the center of the room, eyes wide and body rigid.
And yet the fact that he harbored such an illusion spoke to just how immense the shock of Roswaal's confession had been for him.
"Somewhere… out of reach…"
"The answer has already been given, has it not? When two precious things are placed in danger simultaneously, a person is forced to choose. To choose which is more precious, and to live knowing that the one left unchosen is lost. And by shaving away everything but that single most important thing, one arrives at completion—you, the chosen existence."
"Are you out of your mind!? A completed existence!? All I see is a bruised-up, beaten-down fool standing alone in a barren wasteland!"
"And yet, the being you hold most dear can be cradled in a place overflowing with greenery, unspoiled in its beauty. Is that not what matters—that she remains unharmed, above all else?"
As Roswaal's questioning voice regained a measure of composure, Subaru faltered.
It was not that he had been talked into anything, nor that he had lost the words to argue back.
He simply had so much emotion surging up that it couldn't even take the shape of speech.
He had never felt more keenly the truth of the expression "too stunned for words."
Was the result of blindly following this incomprehensible theory, and the Gospel with its arbitrary stringing-together of events, that massacre at the mansion?
Frederica, Petra, even
Was it truly for the purpose of completing Subaru—a purpose as meaningless as that—that they had all placed their trust in their master, only to be betrayed and lose their lives?
"Roswaal… you really are, genuinely, not right in the head… aren't you?"
"…Indeed, I am. I have been unhinged for a very long time. Ever since those eyes ensnared me four hundred years ago, I have never been sane since."
"Four hundred…?"
Unable to grasp the meaning of the words tossed at him, Subaru echoed them back in bewilderment, his face creasing with confusion.
Four hundred years ago again—but it was far too unnatural for Roswaal to utter that. He should have had no way of knowing about four hundred years ago. Moreover, the way he was speaking now—as though he himself had continued to exist from that era— "
A voice suddenly called out to Subaru from right in front of him, pulling him from his confusion.
When he looked, Roswaal had risen to his feet at some point and now stood before him. At that tall stature, close enough for their breath to mingle, Subaru moved his mouth as if gasping for air and tried to step back—but a hand seized the collar of his neck, preventing retreat. He was pulled in, and their foreheads collided.
"You called me unhinged. I'll agree with that. I am, without question, unhinged. I am far from sane. My heart was taken from me long ago."
"Ah… aa…"
"Why is it that you are not unhinged enough? You should be every bit as unhinged as I am—no, more so. The place I seek is far below where you must reach. To walk a path of solitude where no one can understand you—where understanding itself is impossible—you have no need for a human heart. It must be strong, hard, like steel. Isn't that so?"
"A… shut… shut up!"
With each word sinking into his mind, Roswaal's voice carried a force that threatened to drag Subaru down into the depths of darkness. Shaking it off, Subaru shoved Roswaal's chest at the distance their bodies still touched.
Pointing a finger at the tall man who stumbled back with a stamp of his feet, Subaru couldn't hide the tremor of bravado in his voice: "No matter what happens, no matter how you spin it, your scheme was crushed the moment my qualifications were taken away! Every scheme at the mansion, everything—it was all pointless, all meaningless sacrifice! If you understand that, then stop this madness right now!"
"I refuse. Seeing that you lack the resolve has only made me more keenly aware of the necessity. You have no need to be human. I will strip away your humanity entirely—I will push you, wound you, make you dependent on
"What… what's the point of any of that…! No matter how much I'm worn down, my qualifications won't come back! I'll have suffered for nothing—I won't gain a thing!"
"You know better than anyone whether that is truly what you feel."
Roswaal's ice-cold voice struck Subaru as he shouted.
His heart lurched hard, because he understood the true meaning of Roswaal's words. It was nothing complicated. It was simple.
Just as he had thought before—
And that meant— "If you as an existence were to return, Echidna would cheerfully reissue whatever qualifications or whatever else you needed. Given her nature, that goes without saying—even I understand that much."
"…………"
"Don't flatter yourself, Natsuki Subaru. You are not the only one who understands Echidna."
It was an uncharacteristic tone, brimming with loathing and resentment.
The raw intensity of the malice thrown so directly at him made Subaru stiffen. Only after chewing on the meaning did he finally grasp Roswaal's purpose.
"Your reason for prioritizing the liberation of the
"…………"
"You want to clear the Trial she set up in the tomb, to set the Sanctuary free… and you think that will somehow lead to putting her soul to rest, or something like that?"
"…In life, Echidna was concerned with what kind of end this place would meet after her death. That concern led her to leave mechanisms in the tomb and enshrine her soul within it. But the end she desired has yet to arrive here, even after four hundred years."
The barrier enclosing the Sanctuary had stood for four hundred years, and in all that time, it had never once been broken.
The end Echidna desired—the end she had longed to see—still had not come. Was Roswaal's goal to show her that end and lay her soul to rest?
He could understand the thought itself, at least. Back in his original world, he had never once believed in the existence of souls. But in this world, Subaru had encountered Echidna and the other Witches.
If what he felt from those encounters was genuine, and if their lingering attachments truly remained in this place, then he had feelings close enough to gratitude that he would want to grant them their wish.
But to neglect the living, precious people of the present for the sake of that—unacceptable.
"That and this are two entirely different things. Roswaal, I promise I will find another way to lay Echidna's soul to rest. I'll work for that. —So pull back from the mansion. Right now."
"I refuse. I will fulfill my own wish and Echidna's. I will take whatever measures are necessary. If that means framing others, wounding you, or taking the blame—so be it."
"Don't drag other people into your self-indulgence! If you want to pull her out and tell her something, do it yourself! Don't sacrifice someone who tried to create a future, someone who still has a future ahead of her, a girl who can't believe in a future and has locked herself away!"
Frederica, Petra, Beatrice—none of them needed to be sacrificed for this plan.
There was no reason for them to be dragged along on Roswaal's self-serving crusade, least of all for something as alien to their very humanity as the purpose of wounding Subaru.
"I refuse. If I were to listen, it would only be on the condition that things go exactly as Roswaal says. Everything else I will block out. Their sacrifice is inevitable."
"Like hell it is! I could expose what you're planning and what will come of it, you know!"
"You are the one who should think ahead before acting. What would be the point? Even if my misdeeds were made public, the situation surrounding the Sanctuary would not change in the slightest. Emilia would lose her backing for the Royal Selection—and worse, her relationships with the refugees and the residents of the Sanctuary would certainly deteriorate. Do you think Emilia could take on the Trial and produce results with the weight of that grudge-laden bomb on her back? How many times have you watched Emilia crumble before your own eyes?"
"If… if Garfiel hears that Frederica—his sister—is going to be sacrificed in your scheme, he won't let that go for nothing—"
"If that is where you place your hopes, then your vision is even more clouded than I thought. Garfiel will never fly out of the Sanctuary to save Frederica. He is paralyzed by the fear that something might happen to the Sanctuary in his absence—a pitiful and foolish existence, captive to threats that do not exist. Narrow-minded, stubborn, yet possessing nothing but physical strength. Because his mind works just well enough, he is able to contemplate the risks of what the Sanctuary would become without me. As such, he cannot act in a way that benefits you. —He is merely a child, desperate to protect his own fragile world."
"A child, desperate."
The phrase struck him in the chest.
It was the same evaluation the Witches at the tea party had given Subaru—when he had been willing to sacrifice everything for everyone's sake. And to Roswaal, Garfiel apparently looked exactly like that.
Without knowing—or perhaps even knowing—how he was perceived, Garfiel continued to throw himself headlong toward the purpose he was rooted in.
"Garfiel will not side with you. And I have no intention of abandoning my plan. You need only wear down your heart until it is honed and refined to completion. Nothing more. Accept it, Natsuki Subaru. —Accept that it doesn't matter who dies, as long as it isn't Emilia."
"Like hell I will! I'm not gonna end up like you! Your way of thinking… I will never, ever adopt that! That's not how a human being thinks!"
"…………"
"I am human. No matter what incomprehensible power is given to me, no matter how much pain or misery I endure, that will not change. —I am human. And I will remain so."
Having declared this to the silent Roswaal, Subaru stepped back, putting distance between himself and the tall man. For a brief moment, a complicated emotion flickered across Roswaal's refined features before he shrugged his shoulders.
"Well, it makes no difference to me. As long as you have unlimited opportunities, it is the same from my perspective. I think I shall give up on persuading you this time around. I'll leave it to the next me."
"Even if this time doesn't work… even if there's a next time, and a time after that, I will never agree to your proposal. I will never become like you."
"…Leave. I no longer have any reason to go on living this life."
Returning to bed and pulling the covers over himself, Roswaal spoke those last words and turned his attention away from Subaru entirely. Closing his eyes to sleep, he was—in deed as well as word—refusing all further communication.
Subaru opened his mouth to respond to Roswaal's attitude, but no words came out.
"————"
Remaining silent, he left the room with a crushing sense of defeat.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — Having left Roswaal's quarters, Subaru wandered aimlessly beneath the moonlight.
"What… what am I supposed to do?"
What escaped his lips was a question aimed at an unsighted problem. What echoed in his chest was the exact same sentence, and the only thing that did not return was an answer.
The question, flung into the void, reached no one—it dissolved into nothingness, leaving only a hollow lump lodged in his throat.
Truly, there was no other way to describe it but dead end.
Roswaal's cooperation and Echidna's cooperation both seemed utterly impossible to obtain.
Echidna's cooperation was physically impossible; Roswaal's cooperation, psychologically impossible.
As a possibility, the thought had existed in Subaru's mind.
That Roswaal was Elsa's employer, and that the "Trial" aimed at Emilia—in this case, it was directed at Subaru, but for that purpose—had he orchestrated the attack on the mansion?
The timing of Elsa's appearance, just as Subaru arrived. Frederica's death, which had eliminated someone who could have guided him. The hidden corridors and Beatrice's forbidden library—Roswaal knew of their existence. Putting all of that together, the only suspects who came to mind were
And Ram, devoted to Roswaal as she was, had no reason to act against him. By process of elimination, only Roswaal remained. —Though it was a possibility he had avoided dwelling on, not only because he wanted it to be wrong, but because it absolutely should not have been true.
"If Roswaal is really Elsa's employer…"
Then the incident in the
If the Gospel had foretold the appearance of Subaru's existence—a being possessing the authority of "Return by Death"—and written that he was necessary for Emilia's victory, then that day's turmoil had been required to draw Subaru to her side.
Everything he had done that day—the desperate running, the three deaths to save Emilia, learning her name alongside her smile—had it all been in the palm of Roswaal's hand?
"Everything going just as the Gospel predicted… then
If that was the case, then even Subaru's will to keep fighting—was that merely an extension of the strings someone else was pulling?
Was the only answer for the future to cut away everything except Emilia and press onward? And now that the path to that end had been severed, was he simply at a dead end?
"Am I an idiot…? No, I am an idiot. If I'd stopped thinking and landed on that conclusion, I'd be no different from Roswaal… am I really going to let myself be swallowed by the same thing?"
Subaru knew better than anyone that the Gospel was not absolute—he had been the one to overwrite the contents of the Gospel that Petelgeuse had possessed.
The Gospel's writings, which charted a path to the future, were not all-powerful. In fact, when events diverged from the written account, Roswaal would give up on the world and place his hopes in the next loop— "—Huh?"
Something had been off. He was sure of it.
Walking through his thoughts in slow, deliberate order, turning over the matter of Roswaal's Gospel, Subaru had noticed a discrepancy. But what it was—he couldn't pin it down.
"What? What is it… what's wrong? Something's wrong—something is definitely wrong!"
Feeling as though he had been given a riddle without an answer, Subaru searched for a light in the gathering haze.
Roswaal's Gospel. Actions matching the writings. Beatrice's Gospel. The
"No… just one more step, something's not coming together."
He could feel himself catching on several scattered pieces, but none of them took concrete shape before dissolving into mist. Yet this was the kind of hunch that could not be ignored.
Every dead-end situation he had faced until now—each one had been resolved by seizing some small foothold and prying the answer free.
This time, too, every one of those fragments surely connected to the answer— "—Subaru?"
"Huh?"
His name, called out suddenly, pulled Subaru's consciousness from the ocean of thought.
When his face broke the surface into reality, he found Emilia gazing at him—her shimmering silver hair swaying in the moonlight that poured through the thin darkness.
The unexpected encounter sent a sharp ache through his chest. Unable to fully conceal his surprise, Subaru raised a hand.
"Ah… Emilia-tan. What are you doing in a place like this? It's already pretty late, you know."
"That goes for you too, Subaru. Staying up too late like this means you'll stop growing taller, you know."
"I'm pretty sure I'm past my growth spurt, so that worry's a little late…"
Emilia, steering the conversation with her usual deflection toward something slightly off-topic. Her response helped Subaru regain some composure, and he naturally found himself walking to her side.
They were in the center of the Sanctuary, in what resembled a modest square. Leaning against part of a moss-covered stone structure that looked like a dried-up fountain, Emilia turned her gaze toward Subaru as the night wind tousled her silver hair.
Her deep violet eyes, tinged with worry, seemed to carry a faint luster, and they sent a sweet, aching impulse through Subaru's weakened heart.
"I couldn't sleep, so I'm taking a little walk… What about you, Subaru?"
"…Same here, basically. I'm the type who can't fall asleep when the pillow's different. And Otto's snoring is surprisingly loud."
"I had no idea Subaru was the sensitive type. That's a really big surprise."
Emilia covered her mouth with her hand and laughed softly. Watching her profile, Subaru thought to himself: this was the first time since returning by death today that he had reunited with Emilia on the same night.
In places where Subaru had no involvement, the actions of others generally followed the same course even when the loop reset. That meant Emilia had always come out for this sleepless nighttime stroll on the first day she took on the Trial.
Between being invited to the tea party, getting beaten up by Garfiel, discovering the true nature of Ryuzu and the others at the facility deep in the forest, learning that Roswaal was the mastermind, and everything else Subaru had done—Emilia, too, had undergone changes.
"…Subaru, you don't look well."
"Yeah… maybe. I don't think that's really the case, though."
"No, that's a lie. The usual Subaru would be more like… chaotic, right?"
"That word doesn't exactly roll off the tongue…"
Relaxing his cheeks with a measure of relief, Subaru responded. Emilia smiled and pointed at his cheek: "You finally smiled. Subaru, you always try to show me your smiling face, but you couldn't even manage that just now."
"————"
"Did something… painful happen? If you're worried about something… I'll listen, if you want me to."
Having been called out for his softened expression and then hit with those words of concern, Subaru felt a hot sting behind his eyelids and fought desperately to hold it back.
Tender, nurturing words seeped into his entire body. In this state of absolute dead end—where there was nothing to be done, where the light he thought he'd seen had gone dark—the gentle, outstretched palm of someone dear made him want to cling to it.
He was pathetic—unable to sustain even the resolve he had steeled himself with just moments ago, wavering in his conviction. It was infuriating and heartbreaking.
"This is… my problem. I can't go dumping burdens on Emilia."
"…………"
"You've got it way harder than me. The Trial and all that chaos you went through… are you okay now?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry about all that back then. Making such an embarrassing scene… It felt like I was colliding head-on with something I wasn't at all prepared for."
Emilia let out a powerless laugh as Subaru deflected the topic by turning away.
Then, leaning against the structure and tilting her back as she gazed up at the night sky: "I really… was completely unprepared. I realized that I'd been running away from all the things I needed to face, and that's how I'd made it this far."
"I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, though. What's wrong with running away from something you hate? If you keep facing something painful, will you eventually overcome it? Are you obligated to? And if you found a different path at the end of that escape, and you decided to walk it… is that something you should be condemned for?"
"Subaru…?"
Emilia knit her perfectly shaped brows as Subaru spoke rapidly, his thoughts tumbling out without any real coherence. He didn't notice her confusion as he continued: "Echidna, who set up the Trial in the tomb, Roswaal, who dragged us all here knowing about it, Garfiel, who gets in the way even though he knows we have to get through it—they're all selfish, every last one of them. We're being jerked around by their whims, so why is it that we're the ones who have to suffer? And when we try to find our own way to deal with it, we get complained at for not making it work out the way they want… what the hell are we supposed to do?"
"————"
"My head's about to explode. I feel like I'm going to lose it. And yet problems keep piling up, one on top of another—and in the end, the reason for all of it turns out to be me? Give me a break. Give me a goddamn break. Give me a—"
His emotions surged, and for a moment the bewildering fury brought on even a wave of dizziness.
A soft palm cupped the back of his head, and in one swift motion he was pulled forward. His face plunged into something soft and warm, and Subaru involuntarily held his breath.
An intensely warm, soft sensation enveloped his face.
Through the warmth of that contact, he could hear a heartbeat—and his completely blank thoughts slowly, gradually, realized the situation: he was being held against Emilia's chest.
"Ah—ah—?"
"Slowly. Quietly. It's fine to go slowly—just listen to the sound of my heart."
"Mm…"
"Let your body settle into the rhythm. Breathe in quietly… breathe out… and repeat. When you've calmed down, tap my back. Until then, you can stay like this."
The voice whispering near his ear sent a tingling sensation along his spine, and Subaru's breathing involuntarily hitched. The shock of it dispelled the surge of emotion, but in its place his entire body was flooded with a sensation intense enough to make his blood boil.
How had he ended up in this situation? Listening to Emilia's calm heartbeat while his own heart pounded against his ribs in a wildly different, fierce rhythm.
But even that agitated heartbeat was gradually unraveled and soothed by Emilia's breathing and by the palm gently stroking the back of his head. Following her instructions, Subaru deepened his breath—inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale—until his breathing and his heart were steady.
Then, quietly, he tapped Emilia's back. Taking that as the signal, the hand at the back of his head withdrew, and Subaru raised his body while trying to contain his reluctance.
"Feeling better?"
"…Somehow."
Facing the violet glow right before his eyes, Subaru let out a small breath.
Emilia's face broke into a relieved smile, and she said, "I'm glad." Subaru fought down the embarrassment of feeling like he might blush at her kindness, and shook his head slightly: "I'm sorry for falling apart. I didn't want to cause you trouble like this."
"Trouble? I don't think that at all."
"But you've got it way harder than I do. That's the honest truth. …I kept thinking, I want to help you when you're going through something painful like that…"
"Subaru…"
In front of Emilia, he always wanted to appear cool—to be his best self.
In truth, he was a mess—weak, self-centered, lacking in everything. Yet he always gave it everything he had, wanting nothing more than to be by her side.
"Nothing's going right. Honestly, I… I just came from arguing with Roswaal. Trying to find some way to get through the Sanctuary without the Trial."
"Huh?"
"I really wished I could shoulder the Trial for you somehow… but that didn't seem possible. So I was desperately searching for some backdoor, some shortcut, but that was no good either. I'm sorry I'm so useless."
"Subaru—"
He lowered his head. No matter how many chances "Return by Death" gave him to start over, his own shallow-mindedness for never finding even a single clear solution was pathetic.
If he had handled things better, there were countless cases where the heartbreaking world shown to him by the second Trial could have been avoided entirely.
Surely there had to be some way to handle even this kind of despairing scene— "But I'll find a way. I'll make it so you never have to feel pain or misery. So please—believe in me."
"…Subaru."
"Yeah."
Emilia's eyes glistened as she looked up at him.
Meeting her teary gaze, Subaru steeled the one thing that mattered most within his wavering heart—refusing to let it bend or break.
He would protect Emilia. He would overcome the Sanctuary. He would save the mansion. He would reclaim everything.
It was a path with not a single light in sight, but surely, somehow— "Your feelings make me happy. They really do. —But I can't accept that kindness."
And yet—the resolve that should have been locked in place was denied head-on by the mouth of the dear girl whose eyes now burned with fierce conviction.