The deep of night before the decisive battle.
I woke up because it was time to swap the lookout and took over from Mineha.
The other post had been swapped out by Riv.
"...It was Pakira, wasn't it?"
"That'd be me."
We smiled at each other, stepped outside, and climbed on top of the toppled puppet box.
Looking up, I saw more stars than I could count, all twinkling away.
A red moon. A blue moon. A silver moon glowing bright.
There was something about how the moon is the merciless queen of the night, wasn't there?
And somehow, the night sky resembled [
The Arm
of the
Universe
].
"...Tonight they're twinkling beyond belief."
"Hard to believe this is the deepest part of a dungeon."
The two of us stood side by side, watching the stars.
It was a quiet night. Even calling this a lookout post, there were no more puppets or monsters around here.
Rel had hunted them all down.
"What a curious thing this is. To think that I should ever gaze upon the stars with thee."
"It really is. Quite strange, when you think about it."
This was the first time in this life that I'd stood beside someone and gazed up at the night sky.
And here I was, of all places, with Pakira in the deepest reaches of a dungeon.
"The day has finally come, hasn't it. Tomorrow."
"Yes. It feels like both an eternity and no time at all."
"I feel much the same."
"Can we win?"
"No need to fret. Everyone will be there. It would be rather difficult to lose, wouldn't you say?"
"I suppose so."
"But there may well be something waiting for us. After all, our opponent is The Fool — the jester, the trickster."
Pakira grinned with a mischievous air.
In fact, he'd been bringing out monster boxes and all sorts of things.
"Y-yes. But, um, I was surprised."
"By what?"
"Your restriction Relic, Pakira."
"Ah, that. It's all rather complicated, that one."
"The way you were singing and dancing..."
"What about it?"
"It was really cute."
"Nya!? How unsightly. Even for a flower maiden, having her legs slip out like that..."
The tips of her cat ears had turned red all the way to the ends, and she looked thoroughly flustered.
And then I remembered.
Pakira's slender bare legs emerging from the deep slit in her skirt.
Almost visible, but not quite. The skirt swaying and dancing with every movement.
"It was beautiful."
"Nya...!? You're just too much..."
Pakira, still bright red, hung her head. That gesture was adorable, too.
"A lot happened, didn't it?"
"Indeed it did..."
She said it with quiet feeling. I spoke up.
"Um, Pakira. Will you listen to me?"
"Hmm? What is it?"
"This time, there were fun things, and anger, and sadness. Frustration, too. But I also learned something more important than all of that. Just like you said, I was able to learn."
"That's a good thing. Yes. A good thing."
"But Pakira. I've experienced defeat."
It was the first time I'd ever said it to anyone. I'd wanted to say it.
About myself.
"...I see."
"And ever since then, I've always thought of myself as worthless. No... I think I've felt that way for even longer, somewhere deep down."
"...What about now?"
"I still feel the same way. Even knowing important things and learning about them, I'm afraid I can't properly put any of it to use. That I'll always stay this way, useless — that's what I believe."
If I weren't useless, I would've beaten Clown by now.
I decided to cherish my Relic.
But I didn't know the cooldown time for [Generous].
I didn't even try to find out.
[Banish] could be applied in more ways too, I'm sure.
There are all sorts of other things — but more than anything, the worst thing about me, the very worst, is...
I don't try to tell anyone about myself.
Because I can't trust others, or because I don't know what would happen if I did.
No.
I'm just making excuses.
The truth is, I don't trust myself more than anyone or anything else in the world.
Why am I so hopelessly, irredeemably useless?
"I really did lose after all. The knives too..."
Oh — I'm about to cry.
"Knives?"
"The knives... knives, I've already lost so many of them... because I'm too weak, I can't handle them properly, I can't fight, so the knives..."
Ah, tears — tears are spilling out, one after another, unstoppable.
"Today too, again with the knives... why do I keep losing knives... why do I always, always... why the knives..."
Why am I so useless? Why can't I do anything right?
If only I were more competent.
If only I could do things better.
Then the knives wouldn't have been wasted like that.
"I wouldn't have lost so many knives... I, I, I—I'm, I'm, I'm!!!!"
"Wof. Calm down. What happened with the knives?"
Pakira spoke to me gently.
"I've already broken so many knives before... destroyed them... I'm no good... completely, utterly no good."
"The knives... I see."
"That's why I can't do anything, I'll never amount to anything, I'm useless... absolutely hopeless."
Ah, ah, ah — it won't stop. All this time, I've always, always...
Pakira pulled me into her chest as I sobbed like that.
"P-P-Pakira...?"
"Listen. Listen carefully. Do you remember? I told you that when we got back, I'd have something I wanted to ask you. Do you remember me saying that... do you, Wof?"
Still holding me against her chest, she asked gently.
"Y-yes. I remember."
Warm. And soft — so soft, with a sweet smell. Warm.
"We haven't gotten back yet... but now seems like a good time, doesn't it?"
"U-um, what did you want to ask?"
"About you, of course."
"......"
"That day. The day the earthquake struck the dungeon. When we were about to be killed by that Chimera subspecies, the one who saved us with elixir — that was Wof. That was you."
Pakira's words were flat, quiet, and composed.
And at some point, she had gently let go of me, and was now cupping my face in her hands, gazing at me.
"Yes. It was me."
"I see. Just as I thought."
"I'm sorry. For staying silent all this time."
"Thank you."
"...P-Pakira...?"
"Thank you."
"..."
I had stopped crying. And I was calm.
Looking at Pakira up close, her expression was—
"Wof. You are — to me, not just someone who saved my life, but a precious benefactor of my heart. That's why, even if you think of yourself as utterly hopeless, I will never think that of you. Not even once. Listen, all right? To me, Wof is someone who has a gentle strength, who doesn't hesitate to reach out to someone in need, and who — though I'd rather he didn't — would throw himself away... give everything, for another's sake. That kind of boy. That kind of person."
Not serious, not earnest, not desperate. Not angry, not conflicted, not bewildered, not about to cry.
"I'm... not..."
In one smooth motion, Pakira gently placed a finger against my lips.
"I won't let you say it. You are my pride, Wof."
Pakira let out a soft, faint smile.
It was the same smile I had seen one last time — when Pakira set off to deal with the anomaly.
Her finger slowly pulled away from my lips.
"Um... ah..."
"What is it, Wof?"
"The... stars are really pretty, aren't they..."
I thought.
"Indeed. They are."
Ah, just like this.
Always so quietly.
Always.
――――――――――――――――――――――――――――
Everyone. How are you doing? Are you well?
It's already June. I'm doing great today too.
Thank you as always for reading.
Well then, everyone.
I have some sudden news about the book publication.
The label will be SQEX Novel.
That's right, it's Square Enix.
The illustrator will be Kanemura Hanayo.
Thank you.
Book information can be found on the SQEX Novel homepage.
It's listed quietly in the "Upcoming New Releases" section for next month.
"My Okay-ish Dungeon My Life — SQEX Novel"
If you search for it, it should come up right at the top.
Further updates, including illustrations, will be released gradually, so please look forward to it.
I hope you'll stick with me. Thank you for your support.
With that in mind, to celebrate the book adaptation announcement, it would truly encourage me from the bottom of my heart if you could leave a star rating. Heheheheheh.
If this reminded you that "Oh right, I haven't given a star rating yet," I'd be absolutely delighted if you went ahead and clicked that star.
Star ratings from readers are the greatest source of motivation for my writing.
I hope you'll continue to support me going forward as well.